Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be abandoned in the woods and left to be raised by a pack of wolves.
At least this is what you wish had happened when it turns out your life story is considerably less interesting when told out loud than it was in your head.
The guests at the black tie thing on Saturday are fascinated by the tales of the eating habits of wolves you relate, however.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A little light bulb will tick within your head this week, illuminating things you might have forgotten.
Not least of which is the sound of a light bulb ticking on.
Pears are the official fruit of your week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Beware wise men bearing gifts, as they're more likely than not lost. And incredibly late.
And you know you can't trust a late, lost wise man.
Oh, and be sure to stay away from his camels, they spit.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You sneeze on Thursday and experience such pleasure from it you spend the rest of the day trying to duplicate it. This all goes horribly wrong when you strain your stomach muscle and can't manage to sit up without the aid of a few people and aren't able to laugh at all for weeks.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Licking your finger and putting it to the wind has disastrous consequences this week.
You will have a bad hair week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You experience a very strong, overwhelmingly strong, some might say, urge to play tennis this week.
Don't look at me, it's the stars saying so...
With Venus rising in your house of finance you will get a plate of dodgy oysters towards the end of the week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you listen very carefully this week you may be able to hear the sound of one hand clapping.
Don't get too near, though, that one hand is a cheeky little one, it is...
Aries March 21 - April 19
Pull down the blinds this week and stay away from the windows, you just might be being stalked...
Or if not stalked, hunted. Which is always awkward, unless you're Jean Claude van Damme, and used to that sort of thing.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Slinky outfits appear to be in the stars for you this week.
As is custard.
The two are not linked.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
All this stems from a bus ride between New York City and Worcester, MA, many, many many years ago, and a faulty memory, you know that, right?
No horoscope because a guy couldn't be bothered consulting a book or anything...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You thought that guy was sleeping, which was an unfortunate assumption/guess on your part.
Your eyebrows will always grow back, though, probably.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will accidentally wall someone into your wine cellar this week.
How you manage to accidentally do so will make excellent television viewing, says the BBC, and you wind up with your own television show. It's a sort of home improvement/unwitting revenge/pop chart type of show.
Order the pesto on Friday.
[Horoscopes. Info wants to be worthless.]
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