Taurus April 20 - May 20
You so shouldn't have had those cupcakes on Wednesday.
This week heralds the return of that Spanish Enrico Fermé descendant to your apartment!
Turns out he forgot his glasses.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Elephants play a large role in your week, it's just tough to tell how, what with the clouds out today.
Or that might just be your pet dog (if you haven't a pet dog that's a mighty impressive cat or something you've got there).
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your destiny is in your own hands this week.
You're surprised (and mildly revulsed) by how sticky it is.
Feels a bit like cold spaghetti.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
It turns out Microsoft has implemented you in it's latest version of .NET, though the You.NET can't manage to tie your shoes.
Nor is it a particularly brilliant conversationalist, but then, no one ever said that was your strong point, did they?
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
We just got a new glass, see-through glass, kettle for the office, and I can't help but stare at it as the water boils.
And it does, which is the bit that bothers me most.
Your week will frizzle.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will look gorgeous in those jeans.
You will receive a weird looking stone tablet (possibly weird because it's appeared in your bedroom) adding one commandment to the whole lot that were published earlier. 'Tis:
"Thou shalt not tickle, or thou shalt feel the consequences."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Looking directly into the fish pond is not nearly as harmful as looking directly into the sun is.
Unless, of course, the fish pond is one of those green glowing ones on the drive down to the Eden Project.
In which case, it is.
Use margarine wisely this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A jam sandwich solves all your woes on the Thursday.
This is especially good for a jam sandwich, the second best one you've ever had only managed to do your laundry and the wash.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Read a book this week, preferably one that will keep you busy through the minor version of the rain of frogs plague, which a lesser deity brings back after an evening of the gods sitting around telling stories about the good old days.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The butler did it.
Your horoscope lay dead on the study floor with a lead pipe by it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Venus says you've been acting like a soggy tea bag, it's time to show a little backbone (which, you'll note, tea bags, soggy or otherwise, don't have) and brush that monkey off your back.
Venus tends to mix her metaphors a little too much, you'll find.
So skip worrying about it and have a cheeseburger this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Shellfish haunt you this week.
In particular the one wearing a lace-ish type of dress disturbs you.
S/he has a voice like Mel what'shisname, the one that sounds like a frog.
You begin to suspect your house is built on an old shellfish graveyard about halfway through the week. You're not entirely sure how to fix that one.
[Horoscopes. Remember the good old days? D'yez?]
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