Taurus April 20 - May 20
You run into great difficulty with your trousers this week.
That's not 'running' as in literally. Moreso not running, really.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Ice cream soothes the savage beast.
This is less cost-effective than music, but tastier for all involved.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week will be just like wiggling your toes in brand new socks.
If you don't know what I'm talking about you haven't lived.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will probably have a long and prosperous week.
Sure, not any longer than anyone else's week, but then you can't be that special.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Drink lots of water this week.
The importance of this (and of being earnest) will become apparent next week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will meet me by the bridge on Tuesday.
This has been decreed by three of the four planets inside Jupiter, most of the constellations, and this guy that was fixing my sink while I wrote this.
So it's pretty much a done deal, really. After that you will be departing for Caribbean island shopping.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't look back, don't. Not this week, anyway.
Not unless you happen to need a lot of salt. And don't mind being the main provider of the aforementioned salt.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Whilst peeling potatoes you will have an epiphany that could change your life and the lives of all those people around you.
Especially those people who haven't the sense to duck when someone has an epiphany and are holding a potato peeler in a careless manner.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your best friend will betray you by lugging your television out into the street and beating it senseless with a hammer.
You're not entirely sure how this is betraying you, you just use that as an excuse not to talk to them any more, as they seem to have gone a bit mad.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Despite the miracle of Objective C and a couple clever little programmers in a backroom somewhere, you still don't have a horoscope.
Go figure.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The BBC will try to contact you for an exclusive on your life in a jar.
It's rather difficult for you to answer the 'phone, what with being jammed in a jar of formaldehyde and all, nor can you sign anything, if they were to give you documents to sign.
And if they don't give you any documents to sign I definitely wouldn't do it, as how are you to know it'll be done tastefully?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though it may seem like a good idea at the time, possibly even clever, when the person you're tickling on Saturday asks you to "hee hee heh heh ha ha HA st- hee hee heh heh -st -st st- he he -awwwwww hee hee ha ha *gasp* Puh!", do not take this request lightly.
You will thank me later. Unless you don't follow my advice, in which case you won't be thanking me, as it's a considerable task when your neck has been karate chopped (even non-professionally).
[Horoscopes. This week's horoscopes (and their accompanying XML export file) brought to you by Cocoa and the Supertart lads.]
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