Taurus April 20 - May 20
Plants are very interesting.
Take this week to rediscover your inner two year old.
Properly rediscovering them will get the social services people off your back.

Leo July 23 - August 22
A little mouse helps you take a thorn out of your hand this week.
You're incredibly grateful to the little creature and ready to bestow all sorts of favours and gifts upon it until the day your hand turns a bit gangrenous and falls off due to the mouse having not washed it's hands before performing the thorn-removal. After which you're mildly annoyed with the mouse.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Caffeine is no substitute for a good night's sleep.
Nor is it particularly useful as a replacement tyre or great to use if you haven't a toothpick handy.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Just sit there quietly, and no one needs to hear about your digestive discomfort any more.
That's what you get for going all out at "Ribs' Night."

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The world shall fold in on itself in a cataclysmic sort of thing when you attempt to swirl the bath water down the drain the other way (the other way being the way in which it doesn't normally circle in your hemisphere) this week.
Which is something of a shock to you, anyway...

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will finally be able to shut your eyelids by about Tuesday of this week, no thanks to huge gusts of wind. "Arthurian gusts of wind," some might say.
When you finally do manage to shut your eyelids, you drum up the courage to either a) ask a person you fancy to dance or b) form a militia hell bent on destorying Alamo car rental.
If you choose b) be sure to wear something warm and water-proof, if at all possible.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You never knew how much self-confidence you had until someone popped round your office with a "Confidence-O-Meter" this week.
It turns out you have thirty seven point eight metres of confidence.
What the Confidence-O-Meter salesman doesn't tell you is whether that's a good or a bad amount. Or a just plain healthy amount.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your Go Fish habit is out of control.
A small country in Latin America feels your wrath and succumbs finally in one of the world's first Go Fish games played for an entire crop of bananas.
(Now, if we'd wanted to be funny (not ha ha funny, but strange funny), we could have said your Go Fish halibut was out of control, but we didn't.)

Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't believe a word that guy on Wednesday says.
A rabid kangaroo will make your journey to work that same day rather difficult.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Some guy with a rabid kangaroo on his back will ignore you this week.
You resolve to start a group to rally for rights to be acknowledged for those people without a horoscope. As soon as the next programme on the tele finishes.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Some guy with a rabid kangaroo on his back will try and tell you, after you've been bitten, that rabid kangaroos don't officially count as rabid animals, so you should be okay.
You have a sneaking suspicion this advice isn't entirely correct.
Nonetheless, not knowing what to do when you're bitten by a normal rabid animal, you do nothing, in the hopes that that's a suitable way of treating a potentially non-normal rabid animal bite.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There have been a series of notes shoved under the door here in rather crude hand-writing (some around the office said primitive, I won't go so far as that) purporting to be from "Aquariius", forecasting your rather imminent acquisition of a car. We just thought we'd mentioned this, for entertainment value, as we rarely hear from Aquarius via the post, whether hand-delivered or not.
You will get the muck off your boots by Saturday, this week.

[Horoscopes. Keano! And the boys! ]