Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars absolve themselves of all responsibility for whatever happens on Wednesday.
A very short person will enter your life on Friday. You will find it awkward, but socially imperative to not comment on this fact. Or "perception" as they term it, "it's only your perception, not a fact," spitting slightly on the emphasised words, when you fail to not comment.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars lost your soul to IBM's vice president of hardware marketing [1] in an all-night poker match on Sunday, so you're stuck without a lot to do but watch a lot of slides of plastic boxes.
Somewhat surprisingly, you actually have one of your better weeks in quite some time. And you have an amazing grasp of Big Blue's product line.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
That little voice in your head telling you not to spend all that money on an electric guitar and drumkit (despite no particular display of musical acumen on your part, or indeed anything past a whimsical thought passing through your mind at some point during the week) pisses you off to the extent that you go out and buy the guitar and some songbooks with rather loud songs.
The voice pouts, and if you've never had anything pouting in your head before it's not an entirely pleasant experience, let me tell you.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You have to decide whether money is your route to Happiness this week or whether you'll rely on peanut butter to guide you to Happiness.
You opt for peanut butter, based on what you've heard about money and Happiness in the past, and you wind up in Cleveland, Ohio, in the United States.
You get a decent meal of hash browns and eggs at a lovely little diner, but you'd probably argue if someone were to propose that that was Happiness.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You lose your customary mastery of the phone on Tuesday, and four people are seriously injured in the resulting blaze, including the telemarketer.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be whisked away to a magical faeryland this week.
Unfortunately, the faeries are all quite short, so it's rather difficult finding a decent place to sit down, and the one time you sit on something other than a chair you wind up crushing some faery's house, which is awkward, to say the least.
Remember to carry your makeup and a toothbrush at all times on you this week if you intend to keep up good dental hygeine and putting on makeup whilst you're away, as they don't have any, or at least any that suits you, and they certainly don't have proper sized toothbrushes or makeup applicators for you.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
What do the following have in common: a tuba, three tins of beans, a frog, and an Italian leather footrest type of thing?
Not a lot, really.
Your week will be an exact mirror image of Clint Eastwood's[1].

Aries March 21 - April 19
A disastrous game of Go Fish has you destitute and homeless, despite your playing partners trying to explain you can't bet your house in Go Fish, especially when the rest of them were playing Monopoly(tm).

Libra September 23 - October 22
How many fingers am I holding up?
If you said three your Life is going to change for the better this week. You're wrong, about how many fingers I was holding up, but Life gets better for you. Strange, huh?
If you said any other number your Life will acquire a strange growth, but otherwise it'll remain the same.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I was holding up four fingers, by the way.
This isn't relevant to yourself, as you haven't a horoscope, have you?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When your guests on Thursday offer you the bottle of hemloc, tell you what, pour them a drink of it, first, and if they drink it and don't die or anything, then it might be okay to try it yourself.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The sun will get in your eyes this week, on Tuesday, or maybe Thursday, it's tough to tell. Or maybe it's not the sun. Hopefully it's not a branch, at any rate.
You should name your plants "Bill and Ted and Irwin" if you have plants.

[Horoscopes. Wow, go Pats! ]

[[1] No slander or otherwise malicious sort of things intended for those people who actually resemble those people parodied and/or simply mentioned in the preceding horoscopes.]