Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't let a small thing like being told 'no' get you down.
Wait for the much much bigger things, like getting swatted away with a frying pan and a stick of butter (partially metled) before you start getting down.

Leo July 23 - August 22
There is no greater feeling in the world than lying in a vat of strawberry jam with your feet up, a newspaper by your side, and Miles Davis on the radio.
The shortage of large vats capable of holding sufficient strawberry jam thwarts your attempt to have the world's greatest feeling, and you have to settle for sitting in front of the television with a bowl of crisps.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Someone calls you irrepressible this week.
This may be someone's misguided use of the word to describe your reaction to them poking you, or pressing, some might say, with a spoon repeatedly one afternoon this week.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You gain a certain notoriety this week when you attempt to sky-dive off the Empire State Building.
It's not terribly impressive notoriety, as you're attempt doesn't go much further than you hopping about on the pavement outside the Empire State Building.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't take candy from strangers or advice from women reading tea leaves this week.
And no, the stars aren't biased against tea leaf reading ladies because they're trying to muscle in on the stars' territory...

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
This saying also pertains to looking gift chimpanzees in the mouth, only moreso because chimpanzees are bound to spit at you if you go staring at their mouth for an extended period of time. This may be due to more poor upbringing on the part of their adoptive parents than anything.
You look fantastic this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Good things come to those who sit around, lounging on the sofa, eating ice cream out of the container.
Of course, if you don't have ice cream good things maybe still come to those people, but the odds might go down to something like fifty-fifty or so.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You should try and steal a Pisces' ice cream.

Libra September 23 - October 22
The white zone is for loading only.
Tea cups should be used for tea, and not whatever that is you've got in there.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This week you'd better be thinking about how impressive a feat it is, not to have a horoscope these seven or so years.
Damnit.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Confidence is a pretty good aphrodisiac.
Confidence with a rhinocerous horn is less so, as most people I know can't pull off looking confident while holding a rhino horn without looking slightly mad.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will find you're possibly one of the luckiest people on earth this week.
Which is nice, though it doesn't allow you to walk through walls or on water or anything, which are things not generally effected by one's luck, but instead by cold, hard physics.
Still, nice, anyway.

[Horoscopes. Some random chicken for you, failing any creative linkage this week. ]