Taurus April 20 - May 20
Three of the four seven deadly sins turn out to be deadly shockingly quick.
And will definitely wreak havoc with your fingernails.

Leo July 23 - August 22
It used to be you could get a decent sandwich in this town. This was, of course, before the invasion of the Mongols, who used sandwiches in religious cermonies, and snapped up all the major sandwich makers in the region to fulfill their ceremonial needs.
This does nothing for your feelings towards Mongols.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're okay with the Mongols stealing all the sandwiches situation, and you feel that smug sort of feeling you get when you find yourself morally superior to (or at least calmer than) a Leo.
This smug sort of feeling goes crashing and dashing away when you realise they've also taken all the pickles with them.
"Darn those Mongols to Heck!" you cry to the night sky! Then you duck, because you remember what happened the last time you did something like that.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Wearing a pair of rollerskates on your hands and skidding around on the living room carpet making "Brrrrrm, brrrmmm" noises doesn't qualify you for any special government aid, you find out this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Yours is the Universal Sign for "Go Slow, Children."
No one can ever quite tell if you're telling Children to go slow, or if you're saying to other, non-children to go slow, because hey, children. Since the latter barely makes sense, assume it's the former.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You win the Booker Prize this week!
Which is a nice treat, seeing as how you hadn't even entered or anything.
There is a grave danger of the prize being revoked, however, when you hop about on stage and wind up tipping over the podium into the table nearest the stage, nearly crushing the authors of (in nor particular order) a touching fiction disguised as memoir (though everyone suspects it's a real memoir) about the author's fictional character's experience as a child living in a turtle for his formative years, a touching fiction disguised as newspaper clippings about a series of discounts on beef at the local supermarket which was applauded for it's "poignancy in today's times", and a fiction about Blippy the Dolphin, a touching story about what happens to dolphins when they have to move into a neighbourhood full of sea monkeys.
People do take notice of your delightfully comfortable slippers/shoes while you're hopping about on stage, though, which is some mean feat.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your inner spirit is crying out for fulfillment, love, and a chocolate bar.
Seeing as how there's a good chance the chocolate bar will leave it feeling fulfilled, and there was some scientific study equating chocolate and love, you're probably best off heading for the chocolate bar first.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Pecan pie is something that's incredibly fun to say.
Slightly less fun to say is Scotch tape. Now why is that?

Libra September 23 - October 22
A marauding Mongol stomps on your foot as he's running past to get a runaway salami that had just seconds earlier careened out of his arms, into the street, and down the street.
It's no use complaining or demanding satisfaction, you should have known never to get between a Mongol and his salami.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You still don't really have a horoscope, some twenty seven years into these things.
Which is impressive, in and of itself, if you really think about it.
I'll understand if you've got other things to think about. Maybe next week sometime...

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
An ever elusive sense of accomplishment slips further from your grasp when you're voted by your fellow co-workers, compatriots, and friends as Person Most Likely to Have to Push the Boulder Up the Hill When Sisyphus Gets Tired And/Or Bored.
This is nice, in a way, having never won anything, but not promising as you've never been good at pushing boulders up hills.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You never, ever, ever should have touched that sword in the stone, you decide on Wednesday afternoon.
And you think, from the howling of the wolves that have been chasing you since Monday morning, they concur (as surely they can't like all this running any more than you do). And why the hell wolves care about a stupid sword anyway you'll never know. It may just be a case of mistaken judgement of the cuase and effect, on your part.

[Horoscopes. ]