Taurus April 20 - May 20
"Sponge cake shall have their eyes!" you cry to the possibly disinterested heavens.
The heavens, though you may have thought they weren't listening, smite thee with much almost biblical style torments. They hate it when people cry to them like that.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Despite years of history and such to the contrary, you seem to enjoy Agatha Christie books this week.
However, as you're still suspect and possibly not completely trusting the stars, you don't read any Agatha Christie books, and thus we'll never know whether or not that prediction by the stars was true or not.
A cat, somewhere, living with a radioactive isotope who's got about a fifty percent chance of breaking down, lives when the isotope doesn't break down. The cat, in typical cat-style, doesn't particularly care one way or another and just yawns.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
It wasn't pigeons, but blackbirds, baked into that pie.
So your attempt at updating a legend/fairy song sort of thing is flawed from the outset, this week.
And to answer your fears and possibly liberate you from being stuck inside your house for the remainder of the week from Tuesday on: No, koala bears, especially ones you might happen to find clinging to the top of your doorway, rarely drop down and kill people when they pass under.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Life is like an isoceles triangle.
And Agatha Christie is never a good read, in your opinion, radioactive isotopes with cats or no.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You keep telling everyone that if you had a hammer, you'd probably not hammer in the morning, because you wouldn't want to disturb a whole lot of people.
But the stars know the real reason is that you just can't be bothered to get up early enough to go about hammering.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Do you think people know?
Probably not.
Carrying inordinate amounts of strawberry ice cream around with you on the tube is probably a good way to tip them off, though, I have to say.
And quite sticky, most likely (though that's a guess, only, as I've never been one for carrying around tubs of strawberry (or other flavours) ice cream on public transport).

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You find one killer gasworks-shaped robot from just the north side of the river , sitting by itself, looking awkward, because it's a big metal gasworks-shaped thing, and they just don't look right when they sit down, sobbing softly into it's hands by the side of a pond. It's a very heartbreaking sight.
Which is what you tell people in the pub later, after having run away from the sobbing robot. When they ask you if you didn't try and help it, you reply, "Look, they're probably called killer gasworks-shaped robots for a reason, right? I don't see how crying cancels out the killing bit."

Aries March 21 - April 19
The Ghost of Christmas Past visits you this week, which is nice, and apparently just to catch up.
You're a bit annoyed, though, when they soil your couch with all the dust they bring with them.
You also forget to wash the tea cups you use straight away and they have a horrible residue left all over them by Friday.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You can, after all, tuna fish.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Hey, think about it this way, no horoscope means no ehm, erm, err... sorry, can't think of an upside to it, really.
Sucks for you, really.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Happiness takes the form of a small beaded curtain, just barely able to cover a doorway suitable for walking through.
When you ask happiness, now situated across your kitchen doorway, what happened, it can only manage to mutter something about stupid pixie dust, and that's all your able to get out of it.
This sets the tone for your week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A talking tea kettle will catch you off-guard on Thursday.
To make matters worse, with your guard down, it will transpire that the tea kettle is a combo Jehovah's Witness/soap salesman.
You will find, post-Thursday, you've got far too many pamphlets and far far far too much soap.

[Horoscopes. Go have a chat with Ted. Say hey for us.]