Taurus April 20 - May 20
Pineapple juice, lots and lots of pineapple juice is the best thing for that, is all, I'm afraid.
Good luck with it.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be elected President of a small Central American town that insists on calling it's mayor a president. This happens largely unbeknownst to yourself, unless you read the horoscopes, of course, in which case, it is beknownst to you.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're slightly dubious of the above horoscope's (which you shouldn't have been reading, anyway, unless, of course, you have a vested personal interest in someone who has the preceding horoscope (hey mum), in which case that's still slightly dodgy practise, and we'd implore you to knock it off) self-knowledge, as it's your belief that horoscopes cannot achieve self-awareness and in any way otherwise realise their impact on the course of events.
In other news, your week will be sort of overripe.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
As a chief witness for the defence, in the trial of a little horoscope stealing someone's bicycle from outside the Customs House, you argue that horoscopes do not, indeed, have self-awareness, nor do they have a self, perse (which took sometime convincing the horoscope it was for the best), so this horoscope, your client, and, dare you say it, friend (albeit it a friend without a self, you say in an aside to the jury), could not possibly have stolen the bicycle in question, even though people may have spotted them hanging out on Customs House Quay on the afternoon in question.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be very very good this week, Santa Claus is watching you early this year, none of that rubbish you pulled last year.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will awaken on Thursday to find yourself to be trapped between two sheets of glass in the middle of a generous splashing of water staring up at the largest eye you have ever seen through the wrong end of a microscope, as apparently you'll've turned into a bug overnight, and taking Kafka one step further, you're under a microscope.
My recommendation is to wink up at the person looking in, or perhaps pretend you're hiding your bug private bits, as that's what I'd always imagined I'd do if I were a bug, being stared at under a microscope.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The killer gasworks-shaped robots from just the north side of the river stop in their march on the city at your favourite little café, pissing you off sufficiently to cause you to take action. Or at least draft a petition for peopl to sign to ask the robots to leave.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Yoghurt is not something to be taken lightly.
Because those cultures, man, they'll teach you to put your guard down, even for a second.

Libra September 23 - October 22
When you get famous, make sure you don't let the chlorine get in your eyes, it burns, I tell you, it burns.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Aha ha! And what's that, hiding under the New Year's Tree? Could it be? Is it a horoscope!?
No.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A fertile mind is seed for the winds of change.
You will buy a new car based on this advice this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Viennese window cleaners do not take no for an answer, you will find out this week.
It helps enormously if you ask them something other than "Aren't you a Belgian fish fryer?" though.
You will also get over your fear of things in small packages with spikes sticking out of them this week.

[Horoscopes. Simpleton appears to be back on the air...]