Taurus April 20 - May 20
You're going to have a toe-tapping week, you are!
If you have no toes I apologise for the gross insensitivity of the stars this week. You may, however, find yourself tapping someone else's toes... which is always fun, if you're into that sort of thing.
All right, fine, and if you've all your toes, you can also play with other people's toes, if you like, and not to feel left out.

Leo July 23 - August 22
If you can fit the word "Yahooey!" into a conversation this holiday season and manage to make it not seem awkward or out of place, I'll give you two pounds.
Exclamations while watching football matches don't count as conversation.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
No news is good news.
It also means your local paperboy or girl is slacking off and probably losing your paper in the mud or a puddle somewhere along their route each day.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You have a large piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe this week
How did you not notice that and avoid stepping in it?
It's so large you have difficulty taking your shoe off.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Is that a new dress?
Mars says it's time for a new dress, and maybe a new pair of shoes, and most definitely a new handbag. If not for yourself, for someone else.
You're not terribly impressed with Mars' skills in advising people this week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will inexplicably acquire an Irish accent this week.
Maybe you buy one down the shoppe, maybe you find it on the street (though be careful with those, you don't know where they've been), maybe it falls from heaven. Any which way, you're talkin' funny but lovely now.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Nine times out of ten the shoe you throw in anger will come back to you because you've gotten the shoelaces wrapped around your hand or something.
Lesson: Don't throw shoes in anger.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You shouldn't throw shoes in anger either. Especially not horseshoes or shoes that otherwise don't necessarily belong to you.
And I don't want to hear that "possession is nine-tenths of the law" malarkey from you any more.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Your socks are a minor source of pride to you, but disgrace to your family and friends.
Ack, and you almost had a horrific pun there, but luckily someone caught it, and the horoscopes are saved! Hooray!

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Understandably, you're not nearly as thrilled as everyone else that the horoscopes are saved, as you haven't got one!
Still, no need to ruin the fun for the rest of us normal, horoscope-having peoples, is there?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Life's a bit like a box of tissues for you this week.
The kind with the floral print on the side, and extra soft tissues on the inside.
NO, there are no toys in boxes of tissues, that's cereal, ce-re-al.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You wander aimlessly like a cloud this week.
And when you take a break being Wordsworthian you realise no one's been listening to a word you've been saying for the last few hours/days. Ahm, years.

[Horoscopes.]