Taurus April 20 - May 20
They really have not heard of the concept of warm in England, I have to tell you.
If you happen to not live in England, you'll still have all your extremities by the end of the week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars' messenger (that's me) has got fingers not quite like butterflies (or butterfiles, if you're into that sort of thing) at the moment, which has resulted in three versions of this horoscope consisting of the letters he'd intended to type and the three to four surrounding ones for every given key.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You remember those happier times, when people didn't talk about butterfiles out loud and in public.
Or at least not without using a suitably obtuse euphemism for them.
Hopefully you do more with your week than just remember happier, non-butterfile-mentioning times, but sometimes what constitutes a full week for some people is different.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You can't help but wonder if those happier times were also the times when Donny and Marie had their own television show. The first time.
Probably, you think, as you munch on a cheese sandwich. This happens on Tuesday.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will find one of my socks in your laundry this week.
This comes as no surprise to you, as you collect horoscope writers' socks, and have quite a number of famous ones in your collection (not that mine fall into the famous category).

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are a butterfly.
Whether this means you are delicate and pretty or it means you are suitable for pinning to the pages of a book and squashing firmly by collectors is up to you, for this week and this week only!
After that you're stuck to whatever predestined Fate you'd had before.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You can do a can-can, but you can't make a horse drink.
This advice saves you a lot of time on Friday. Ehm, if you follow it, that is.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You're chagrined to note that shouting fire in a crowded building no longer receives much of a response. Which is a sad commentary on this day and age, a day and age without, as it's been noted, the original Donny and Marie show, and a sad shortage of creative uses of butter.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You discover your second calling in life was to be a stand-up comedian/petrol station attendant, which is what it says on your business card.
What your first calling in life was you're having difficulty recalling...

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Kids can be oh so very very cruel.
One of the bigger kids on the playground steals your horoscope this week.
It's obviously a bully-in-training, as you've no horoscope to speak of, and so stealing it's a bit more abstract, really.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A mysterious button, a big red button with the legend "DO NOT PRESS", appears in your living room this week.
This makes it incredibly difficult to concentrate on the television, as you either have to keep telling yourself not to push the button (or press it, pushing may be fine, who knows?) or warning others who come in the room not to press it.
It provides the necessary motivation to get out and finish that angst-ridden post-modern novel about not being able to press buttons in a modern age that you'd been wanting to do for ages, though.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your identity seems to be missing, on Thursday!
Now, while this may give you the perfect opportunity to change your hairstyle and get some decent clothes, you also find your taste in music has gone missing, so you have to start from scratch. A 'friend' of yours offers to help by lending you their Backstreet Boys reunion albums.
This adversely effects your new haircut.

[Horoscopes. Hey, chickens!]