Taurus April 20 - May 20
I know you might not want to hear this, but you really need to get around to cleaning the kitchen this week. And the bathroom. And the bedroom.
Don't forget to wash behind your ears, either.

Leo July 23 - August 22
New challenges will arise for you this week.
Will you rise to meet them or will you sit around watching the grass grow? Well, if the challenge is watching the grass grow you kill two birds with one stone, don't you?

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Rain takes a bit of a break from the plains of Spain and falls mainly on you this week, ruining a perfectly suitable rhyming phrase.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your attempts to make it as a topical comedian fail when you find yourself unable to overcome your lifelong phobia of newspapers and journalists.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your week will smack of cliché and the tired of theme of love and loss with no real twist, which makes for suitable PG/12 Rated entertainment for those around you.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your job as bus operative in the special crime fighting team which you've been recruited into and was assembled by the bored billionaire is very demanding, though you, with all your special talents, manage to find time to invent a brand new word, 'peasure', and even are able to practise 'peasure' a bit before popping off to yet another bus-escapade.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and geese are known for their love of chocolate.

Aries March 21 - April 19
I've just had the most disgusting sup of tea imaginable.
This probably won't effect your week all that much, yet again proving tea's relative abstention from the realm of cause and effect.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You thieving little... if I don't get my socks back, and with no more holes than they had already, within the week, I'm going to be very cross.
Your week had better be spent darning those socks.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Like a jam doughnut born under no particular sign, you also do not have a horoscope.
And you're missing the jam filling!

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Ever wonder where the water goes when it runs down the drain? Well, besides down, obviously.
Las Vegas, that's where.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
These horoscopes have been lovingly and heartily fortified with iron bars and vitamin b12.
You will find full-time employment as a hot water bottle this week.

[Horoscopes. Ehm...]