Taurus April 20 - May 20
C'mon c'mon c'mon baby now, twist and shout!
This, done early in the week, may incapacitate you for the remainder, depending on your agility and general inclination to go in to work, anyway.

Leo July 23 - August 22
This week, unbeknownst to many, is the start of the next great age. Or Age, we should have said.
In a sneak preview you catch at the start of a film you see this week you see that it involves Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz, apparently. And mastodons, which is nice to see them making a comeback.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Confucious never said a whole lot about nuclear fission.
Neither of which, Confucious or nuclear fission, concern you terribly much this week.
A shame, because then, at the party you attend on Friday you'd be able to catch out the pompous git going on about the Confucian stance on fission and really make your evening. As it is, you're slightly embarassed when you're ejected from the party venue for throwing cognac dip with a few embedded prawns at him.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
A nice cup of tea is probably your only comfort this week.
"Pesky wombats," you'll mutter to yourself, as you sip that very same tea, possibly whilst wishing some harm on various members of the wombat race in a general sort of way. The general sort of way you do after one steals the only true love you ever really had.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Profound apologies for the little trip down Geek Lane last week.
As the office has been rather empty of editors the last few weeks we had no one normal to talk to, and were forced into harrowing and dreadful conversations/things with the technical staff.
It wasn't pretty, no.
Your week will smell of tapioca.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your supreme bus-catching skills and cunning is noticed by, amongst other people, a mild mannered billionaire who'd always wanted to start up an elite crime-fighting force.
You, of course, fill the all-important role of the person who catches those criminals looking to make their getaway on buses, or who are otherwise bus-inclined. This, sadly, doesn't necessarily mean you get to meet Keanu at any point during your duties.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Catch up on old times this week as a way of avoiding major problems with the plumbing in the present.
It gets difficult to ignore the present any longer when a seven foot four East German from Romania waltzes into your dining room and sets fire to a poodle.
Luckily, the poodle was made out of chocolate, so things work out okay, if a bit sticky, in the end.

Aries March 21 - April 19
All your cacti will look at you funny this week. Which is an odd feeling, indeed, because you can't punish them by simply not watering them.
And tying them up in a burlap sack and chucking them in the river never solved anything.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A bean named Jim cheated on a girl named Sue. Which is interesting, as another development in the growing bean-girl relations saga.
That it ruins your proposed Phd thesis is besides the point.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Despite previous weeks' appearances you still don't have a horoscope. Or any of your Lawrence Welk albums.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I know this may not be entirely relevant, but I always think of tap-dancing when I hear 'tapioca.'
This little bit of wisdom may save your life, if your life happens to be threatened by someone who will either appreciate that little bit of, ehm, stuff, or who is a deaf-mute named Bill in the employ of the woman known only as Giggles who tends to use that particular phrase (the deaf-mute lip-reads, of course) as her passphrase.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars are conspiring against you.
This becomes painfully apparent when you catch one of them putting pins in your socks when you return early from work one day. Which possibly explains the certain shooting pains in your feet you'd been experiencing lately - you work too hard. And now you know why you've so many socks with holes in them.

[Horoscopes. And yet yet YET again edited with vi, and still not as linked inclined about it as a few weeks ago. So once again, one last time now, whether you think it's a good idea or not, you have one last chance to anxiously await an appearance on the bookshelves...]