Taurus April 20 - May 20
Dates and peanut butter make an excellent caulking glue like thing if you don't happen to have any proper caulking glue like stuff handy.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Tackle the more difficult problems in your life this week, if only for entertainment value for those people around you.
You'll get yours back by converting at least two of the greatest difficulties in your life into problems for those damn laughing bystanders.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You have an unhealthy interest in doors this week.
It fills those around you with a fear normally reserved for the likes of Attila the Hun (not that you'd know this first hand, as Attila the Hun was quite a bit before your time, so maybe you can imagine Attila the Hun being someone really really nasty, like the a few of the Sisters (that Sisters, not Sistahs) back in school or something, yes, that kind of fear). Which is empowering, but also not as nice as you might think it.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Hey. Your week will have the edges cut off, just like your sandwiches.
Unfortunately, this means you miss out on ice cream on Wednesday.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A lesser demon (and not daemon, as no *BSD processes are particularly known for possessions or other activities that might leave their owner/victim feeling worn out and not a bit ill (no tangents into geek humour, past this one parenthetical reference, I promise)) takes possession of your battleship this Tuesday!
Which is not how you play the game, of course, but there's no teaching demons, really, especially the lesser ones, what with their inferiority complexes and all.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Are heaters the new refridgerator?
Is tan the new black?
All these questions and more, buzzing around your head like a little bug named Tom this week.
Hopefully it's a non-biting-inclined bug. Or mosquito, as they're commonly called in certain parts of Belgium.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be caught, red-handed, or insomuch as you can whilst doing something relatively not involving the hands, singing a New Kids on the Block song this week.
You probably don't appreciate the amount of money we had to pay in royalties to even print a reference to the little greedy buggers' band name. Product of the 80s, I'll say.

Aries March 21 - April 19
If I've had to tell you once I've had to tell you at least maybe twice, or once, okay, once, at the very least, no playing with nitroglycerine in the house.
Your shoes will be extra shiney this week. This may have something to do with the inordinate amount of butter Venus in your second House of Fashion always seems to make you crave.

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you ever sit back and think about the big picture, really think about the big picture, the one in the Brooklyn Art Museum, you think it's by Thomas Cole or someone else who really like the Hudson River school of painters's style, you'll come to realise, someday, hopefully, that there is no effigy of Mighty Mouse in the bottom left hand corner, no matter how often you swear it's there.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Someone's knicked your collection of Lawrence Welk albums while you were off being someone called Mike while your memory failed you!
Sorry, it's just that the shock is really just hitting you this week.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Strange frocks kick you merrily round a treadmill.
While this makes little no sense, it's strangely (though not as strange as the frocks) comforting.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Proving that you're not one to take that learning your lesson thing lightly (or at all, as it seems), you almost suffer vicious heater burns to go with your carpet cleaning injuries of a little while before (weeks or so, who can tell these days, who keeps track?).
If you look up at night, and wish upon the first star you see you've a sixty percent chance of having a bug fly straight up your nose. Which is funny, but only in retrospect.

[Horoscopes. And yet again edited with vi, and yet again linkless. The boys the boys the boys are goin' through!!! C'mon you boys in green!]