Taurus April 20 - May 20
That bleeping noise you hear is the sound of one hand clapping in the forest.
While this puts many years of meditating on the koan to a rest, it does nothing for your mental health, as the neighbourhood dogs seem to enjoy barking at the bleeping sound.

Leo July 23 - August 22
This is not a good week to tempt Fate; she's had a rough week, and is not in the mood for people to be messing around with her.
Apologies to Kurt Vonnegut for the use of the semicolon.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Great big winds of change threaten to knock you off your pedestal, which is one reason for not standing on a pedestal in the middle of a windstorm.
Unless you have plenty of padding around the ground surrounding the pedestal, in which case it might even be kind of fun.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Chaos theory is dictates you should attempt to give up smoking this week. If you don't smoke, you were originally destined to start this week, and if it weren't for chaos theory's concern, you would have become a three-pack-a-day Jimmy Lights ("We could pack more tar in 'em than the LA Freeway!") smoker.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
I'm holding two horoscopes in my hands (one in each, of course)... go on, pick one...
No! You picked the wrong one!
You are a fish.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
The walls have ears, or so you hear.
(That isn't the pun, wait for it...)
There is also something to be said for curtains and windows having ears... or at least eyes... Or maybe not. Anyway, have a peanut butter cup and kick back this week. (That isn't a pun either, but there you have it.)

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You would argue that you, not Capricorn, are a fish.
This is due to your argumentative nature and your general inferiority complex, due to being a fish in a non-fish-oriented world.

Aries March 21 - April 19
If you keep making faces like that you're going to get stuck like that.
Just consider yourself forewarned. And forewarned is fore-armed. Which is handy, in case you feel like attacking anyone for saying something along the lines of what was just said at any point during the week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You spend the week slagging off Apple for not making the iPod available as a Software Update.
If you're a Slashdot poster or otherwise outlet inclined, you use the words 'evil', 'corporate', and 'capitalist' a few times. However, you still want one.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
How's it going, Mike?
Ha ha, just kidding, you've got your memory back this week. But your collection of Lawrence Welk albums and a paisley shirt or two are missing.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
If it's an extremely rare cuckoo bird (from the clock, obviously), it's worth even more in it's original casing. So don't go taking it out and holding it in your hand, as it's going to be worth less, and don't go saying no one told you, because we just did.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are caught up in the vast conspiracy to overthrow Oprah Winfrey from her perch as Grand High Master of the Universe (so appointed by Billie Crystal and Winona Ryder during a somewhat drunken spree across Europe a few years ago) and supplant her with... well, that's what the majority of the week will entail, arguing over with whom she should be supplanted.
"Just so long as he or she stays away from the damn books," you'll say.

[Horoscopes. Still, editing in vi, but not going to overwhelm you with links you about it. Knick Knack, Pixar does it again... yep, it's more broadband candy for you...]