Taurus April 20 - May 20
There is no bond stronger than love.
Steel bands, however, come quite close.
Depends what you're into, really.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Small fires erupting all over your kitchen cause you to pause in the middle of cooking your pasta and cheese for dinner guests on Friday and draw a comparison between the state of your kitchen and the bush fires in California.
Richard Simmons bouncing and doing calesthenics in one corner makes the comparison all the more apt (not to mention horrifying), you think.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Mercury in your third house of Personal Growth is sick of telling you to go out and take the initiative and be up front with everybody and all of that rubbish.
Mercury wants you to sit around and not do a thing this week. And, if you do get up, if you could fetch it a frozen pizza from the freezer it'd be most appreciated.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You rediscover the joys of bendy straws this week.
The joys are many, of course, though they may be slightly less fascinating for those people around you, getting splattered with milk, soda, sangria, lager, or whatever other beverage you may be using a bendy straw on and in, bending it this way and that.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will get slightly splattered whilst walking through a restaurant full of Gemini flicking bendy straws.
This will frighten you, as you proceed to dream about the incident over and over again for the remainder of the week. You need to take more time off work.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will feel an overwhelming urge to cancel all debts people owe you from bets this week.
This huge karmic windfall will probably show itself in the form of either a little blue djinn who offers you three wishes or someone might offer to do the dishes for you, providing your dishwasher still works properly and isn't too difficult to open.
A jar of peanuts may be something else that proves difficult to open. If you know what I mean. Erm.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
As you may have noted in Aries' horoscope (though you'd better not be reading other people's horoscope if you're not involved with someone of that sign or know someone with that sign and are only reading it with the intention of telling them about it later, as they do have a rather hectic life, and probably don't have time to read the horoscope every week), the joys were referring to bendy straws and not, say, bubble wrap.
So you see? There are other forms of entertainment out there.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You never knew a pelican could warble like Mel Torme until you meet a pelican on Thursday that does a passable rendition of one of Mel Torme's songs (NB. The stars should probably do a bit more research into the things they tell you are destined to happen during the course of your week - or at least make analogies they have some understanding of).

Libra September 23 - October 22
You know those things that scurry out of sight when you flip over a rock?
Sure you do.
Ehm, I'm not entirely sure why I mentioned them, really, I've just been thinking about them quite a lot recently.
You will have strawberry ice cream this week. If you don't, you always were difficult, weren't you?

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Can you whistle?
For the longest time I couldn't, even though I could when I was younger. I managed to regain the ability to whistle some years later (and some years prior to just now), though.
Take from that what you will, though I wouldn't be too hopeful of the preceding story foreshadowing a return of your horoscope, as you haven't one.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The Ottoman empire wasn't nearly as much fun as those two guys selling furniture on the television (at least the ones that used to sell it on the tele in New England) make it out to be.
No one can hear you scream this week.
This may have something to do with you getting yourself locked in the special sound-proofed listening cabinet at the record shoppe.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A fun thing to try this week would be to put various things (preferably food-like things) in the blender, turn it on, and watch what they turn into (besides squishier versions of their former selves).
If you don't have a blender you might wish to throw things in a mug, put your hand over the top, and shake vigourously. This is considerably more favoured than throwing things in the air, snatching a few knives from the kitchen counter, and trying to cut the things up as gravity brings them back down within your reach, as you're bound to end up with carrots and whatever else you throw up in the air spattered against the walls, and there's a good chance you'll poke someone's eye out with falling foodstuffs.

[Horoscopes. SurfXChange.net, for the surf bunny in your life.]