Taurus April 20 - May 20
Mink are dangerous creatures.
Long content to drape about women's necks and just sort of sit there, looking dead (helped along by their virtue of actually being dead), this week is a surprising departure from their normal behaviour, when the world's population of minks begin stealing people's wallets and purses and making long distance phone calls on their credits cards (the credit cards of the former wallet/purse owners, now property, if you believe the possession is ninth tenths stuff, of the minks - this also assumes you believe minks can have property).

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your head will explode this week!
Okay, so it won't, but it makes a much more interesting story to tell your friends when they ask what your horoscope has in store for you this week than telling them it said something like this is your week to assert your better judgement in the face of adversity and perhaps go for that raise you'd been after.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Wild minks will overrun the old general store this week, leaving you unable to get perishable goods and nails for the entire week!
This makes you decidedly grumpy, especially as you had had plans to hammer in the morning, and hammer in the evening, as you'd just acquired a hammer from the same ill-fated general store a day earlier, without the foresight to buy nails to go with it. And you were looking forward to working up an appetite with all the hammering, which was where the food would have come in handy.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You wake up in New Jersey on Tuesday, or so it would appear.
With a hangover.
This is, of course, assuming you call the general area of your living room couch New Jersey.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have an uncontrollable urge to call more than one mink minks, and this urge shall be your downfall.
A steamroller runs you over this week, which would seem like a horribly clichéd sort of way to go.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
With the mink posse out terrorising the fair city, it might be a good idea to stay indoors this week.
Or at least refrain from whistling known mink-hated songs (that would be songs or tunes that mink hate) or wearing common mink irritants.
And poking them repeatedly with sticks isn't bound you to win any friends, really, so this looks to be a remarkably poking things with sticks free week for you.
Expand your horizons. If this involves special physics experiments that distend the shape of the Earth, well, so be it.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Bill the duck says hey.
Upon reflection some weeks in the future, you will consider this the week in your life in which lichen played the most vital role. Lichen or moss, though you never could be sure whether or not lichen was just a type of moss, or whether it was the other way round.
Don't take no for an answer this week. Especially if your question is "What's two and seven?"

Aries March 21 - April 19
A herd of geese valiantly defend you from a horde of mink that threaten to attack yourself.
When it turns out the geese actually thought you were Liza Minelli, which is why they rushed to your rescue, you're still relieved you didn't suffer an ignoble death at the paws of a load of mink(s), though you can't help but feel slighted. Slightly.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Stop right where you are, don't move!
Okay, no, you can move now, I just thought you were the one that'd nicked my shoes... lucky for you you didn't, otherwise...

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Gimme an 'O'! Gimme a 'G'! Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'S'! What does that spell!
Not a whole lot, you're right. But you have no horoscope, so hey.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sing a song of sixpence, go on, I dare you.
I see much water balloons in your week. And I'm rarely wrong when I see that sort of stuff.
Eat a peach.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Gangrene is not something you want to take lightly.
And when you think you catch it on Wednesday, you remember that your mother always warned you you were likely to catch gangrene on a Wednesday if you weren't careful.
Your medical dictionary may be slightly out of date, however, so don't rush right out and amputate, especially if it turns out that gangrene just turns out to be a mud splotch. Because I'm almost certain gangrene doesn't wash off with soap.
So my advice is to try soap first. If that doesn't work, you might want to try amputation. Unless you don't like pain, in which case, you might want to skip the amputation bit and maybe try aromatherapy, I've heard that works sometimes, too.

[Horoscopes. Ooooooooh, preeetty. Out now. Too.]