Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have a week straight out of Cosmopolitan magazine this week.
This probably means having wild angry monkey ehm, frolics, with your boss. On his/her desk and fully due to the extra button you'd left undone on your shirt.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Plum.
Be it the colour, the fruit, or the epithet, your week will be very plum.
Spend lots of money on Wednesday to ensure a healthy new year.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week is the Chilean Feast of Natural Woodburning Stoves, so be sure to celebrate in style.
Of course, they don't call it that, they call it something in Chilean, but it might be lost on you if we were to go around writing the horoscopes in Chilean.
First and foremost because it's not a real language, see?

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Go on, try and grow a goatee, I dare you.
You will fail to win the lottery in quietly unimpressive form this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Snowy egrets.
Chopped liver.
You stub your toe this week on the couch. No, don't try and avoid it, even though we've told you about it it's still going to happen, no use fighting it.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
This week is one of those weeks that will be spoken about down through the ages. Ages and ages into the future.
Of course, this just means your conversations for the next few years (or ages, if you like) will be quite boring, as nothing particularly spectacular happens this week. Save the whales.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
It looks like rain on Tuesday, which is more a weather report than a horoscope.
In keeping with our particular genre, and to keep you, our customer, happy, the rain may portend great change. Or tough times ahead. Or you might get wet if you have to go out for anything on Tuesday.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Have you ever gotten a bean stuck in your eye?
Let me tell you, it hurts.
I'm talking about lima beans, of course. You, luckily, won't have a bean (of any sort) stuck in your eye this week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you don't watch where you're going with that Coke you're bound to spill it.
And even worse, you're then bound to make a feeble 'no use crying over spilt...' joke that no one will laugh at.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope, and I have no more apple juice left.
It's a crushing experience, both ways, isn't it?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You note that it seems to be a South American sort of horoscopes this week, what with the overt reference to Chile, the mention of lima beans, which always reminded you of Peru, and that incident you had with lima bean there.
And whales, whales always remind you of Alaska, which isn't in South America, but it reminds you of South America because when you were a kid you used to mix up the North and South concepts and just thought of South America when people said 'Alaska', anyway.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Whilst walking down the King's Road (and I can easily picture the entire collection of Aquarii in the world walking down the King's Road at the same time, especially on a Sunday) you will be viciously attacked by an Australian drop bear.
(I can still picture all the Aquarii of the world on the pavement on the King's Road, writhing about with a drop bear on their head, but it's becoming more of a stretch. Any more elements and I'll have a hard time with it.)
So when people say you look silly wearing a construction worker's hat around all over the place, you just nod your head, tap the side of your nose, and wink. Because you know.

[Horoscopes. This is one monkey boy that scares me... [those of you at work might want to slap those headphones on.]]