Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your week will explode in a plethora of interesting colours and smells when you run your scooter into a vegetable stand.
Wear plaid.

Leo July 23 - August 22
As promised last week, you are the antelope's rump this week.
What this means in a social context really depends on what you make of it.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Saturn says eat lots of bananas this week, they're good for potassium.
You try to incorporate this into your quest to build a better mousetrap, but it just leaves you with loads of squished bananas everywhere.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are contacted by an almost unintelligible parrot named Bip this week.
He doesn't have a whole lot to say, to be honest, it's just that otherwise your week is mind-numbingly dull and not worth mentioning.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You do not like treacle anything.
Spritz your hair with something to make it shiney this week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Okay, fine, I admit it, you were right-- Local traffic exits are probably the way to go.
This week you shall learn the true value of not nicking another person's wave.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
There will always be a tiny place in your heart for those fuzzy little things in your fridge that used to be oranges or apples or a cake or something. It passes away this week when you open the door of the refridgerator and it blows away in the sudden gust.

Aries March 21 - April 19
For some unexplained and mostly uncommented upon reason, you aren't in the tree this week.
Probably because we (meaning the happy collusion of stars and horoscope writer) couldn't expect you to willingly suspend your disbelief for too long, really.
That and the parks commission asked us if we couldn't get all the Aries out of their trees, if we didn't mind.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Before you do anything this week, count to ten, slowly, and see if it doesn't make people think you're just incredibly thick and don't react too quickly.
If you can't count to ten try naming all the vegetables you can think of. Slowly.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I would really like to write a horoscope for you, as I got some fantastic insider information, but I just can't, you see, Horoscopal Board of Integrity and all, you know how it is.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Welcome back!
This doesn't count for any Sagittarii with nose rings and petticoats. Not necessarily in combo.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will probably not be able to walk this week.
This is either due to your rampant laziness finally catching up with you (or not, as the case may be) or you having one foot almost sawed off by a renegade magician with a poor handle on the chainsawing trick is probably up to the flip of a coin, which is outside the scope of what horoscopes are supposed to be, you know.

[Horoscopes. The boys the boys the boys! 1-0!!!]