Taurus April 20 - May 20
I can't feel your feet, I can't feel your feet! It must be hypothermia!
Oh, wait...

Leo July 23 - August 22
You are the bee's knees this week.
Which is better than next week, when you're the antelope's rump.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
One of your hyper-intelligent chimpanzees ruins your favourite sweater in the wash this week.
You just can't get good help these days.
If you've still not received the cheque for seven million, at least you still have your favourite sweater. And your toilet finally manages to flush this week.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
I'm going largely on instinct here, as it's been cloudly all day, but I would say this is a bad week for you to place your trust in the good will of Donnie Osmond.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Is that you that smells funny?
Change your socks.
One of these days Mars is not going to be here to remind you, and then where will you be?

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Belgium is still quite stubborn acknowledging your existence this week, even after you stand in front of it, waggle your tongue, make funny noises, and pull faces at it.
Belgium carries on as it was, and you get slightly annoyed when Luxembourg asks you to move along, as you're standing on it's foot.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your week has apparently had the crust trimmed off and been cut into quarters for you.
And is toasted just so. Shame it's filled with peanut butter, banana, and bacon...

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your tree, as you've begun calling it, apparently has an infestation of beavers. Or very large, furry, strictly ground-based termites with a penchant for building dams.
This makes you, as a resident of the aforementioned tree, along with a few rather friendly monkeys, not entirely comfortable.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A good offense is often the best defense. Going around kicking people in the shins, however, will perhaps not be as good a defense as, say, not kicking people in the shins.
This is only a gentle suggestion, and in now way to be taken as gospel on the matter, and there is a good deal to be said for the spirit of scientific enquiry.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If you're to take a Zen approach to things, it's good that you have no horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Semi-sentient moss, which was formerly a part of a salad you were attempting to have on Monday, will guide you into a week of passion and avacados.
Note, this does not necessarily violate your promise never to be romantically linked with moss, semi-sentient or not.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A tall dark stranger will walk into your Life this week.
S/he will ask you for the time, and you, being the time-conscious socially well-adjusted type of person you are will mumble "Burgle wurrgh er. Erm. Eh," whilst pointing at your bare wrist, which apparently you assumed someone somewhere might take as a reasonable answer to their question.

[Horoscopes. Windows RG is released ahead of schedule.]