Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars are most definitely in favour of you being forceful and something else this week.
Great things are destined for you. By great you may have to take into account currency exchange rates, relativity, and traffic. Especially on the M25.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The shockingly in last week's horoscope, coming as it did in close proximity to a reference about experimenting with electricity was not intentional in any way, and we apologise for the unintended pun, for Doctor Johnson's sake.
This week you will also potentially have a birthday. Much Kung Fu and rejoicing shall ensue.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you received your seven million pound cheque last week you're probably not reading this, as the incredibly rich don't have time for horoscopes, but instead pay hyper-intelligent chimpanzees to read them aloud each morning as they eat breakfast (the rich people, not the chimps).
You're probably not getting most of this, either, as chimps are notorious for not reading all that well on an empty stomach.
If you didn't get your cheque last week ('check' for some, I am told with reasonable authority), it must be in the post. Or, erm, delayed by, erm, picketing chimpanzees... or something.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your membership card for the Knights Templar comes in the post this week.
Almost straightaway the benefits are obvious to you, as at the airport on Wednesday you are allowed to pass through a special, hitherto unseen gate at passport control.
And that's it, so far. Which is pretty damn cool, you have to say, if a bit lacking in hyper-intelligent chimpanzees.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have a revelation on Thursday.
This, unfortunately, clashes with a lunch appointment, and you're hard pressed to decide which one you should cancel.
Though, a word to the wise, if you cancel the revelation in favour of the lunch with the hope that you can maybe fake a smaller revelation later you're going to inevitably be disappointed, just like last time.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Okay, so a small brush fire that may or may not have technically have been your fault will wipe out most of the paintings in either the National Gallery or the Metropolitan Museum of Art (the stars are vague and offer two possibilities, of course, because it'd be a bit ridiculous to consider all the Cancers in the world taking the blame for multiple fires in the National Gallery alone, as there probably isn't enough room for all of you, even if you take turns).
However, you do win the bet with your friend about whether or not you can carry brush into the galleries.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
As Confucius used to say, "If you didn't plan on eating all of that you shouldn't have ordered it, and you're not leaving until it's all gone."
This will resonate like one of those big bass drums for you this week.

Aries March 21 - April 19
A monkey slips off the tree (though it is suspicious how only the monkeys nearest you manage to slip out of the tree) and is devoured by the rhinocerous in a remarkably (and somewhat disturbingly) Velociraptor-type manner, which is the only thing the rhino does that isn't 100% like a rhinocerous.
Frankly, you prefer head butting to devouring. And still further you prefer sitting in a tree to either. Especially now that you've managed to rig up a small television made out of small branches and lots of leaves.
Granted, it only gets Channel 4, but it's a start.

Libra September 23 - October 22
This is a astrologically predicted bad-hair week for you.
So there's not a whole lot of hope for you. Which is small, consolation, I know, but there you have it, the stars are cruel and uncaring sometimes.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If someone were to ask you, "If you were a horoscope, what flavour horoscope would you be?" the correct answer, I can tell you now, is not strawberry. Or mango. And if you don't know what it should be, we're not going to tell you.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you burn a CD and there's no one around to hear it, is it really half past five? Man, you're going to be late, you should probably get a move on.
That is, of course, a non-gender-specific 'Man'.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you're the last one to leave on Friday, please turn out the lights.
And put the stuffed ferret back where you found it.

[Horoscopes. Have you visited Stepwise yet?]