Taurus April 20 - May 20
Mercury, whilst doing a trick with it's skateboard trying to impress Venus, does a faceplant in your kitchen, scattering the various things you might find in a kitchen. Or your kitchen, to be specific.
You can take this one of two ways:
1) You can appreciate that Mercury has finally gotten over you and has moved on to other people and/or celestial bodies, or
2) You now have an excuse to eat out more, your kitchen being in ruins.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You wish desperately it was your kitchen that was in ruins.
As it isn't, you simply have to use the excuse that you're too lazy to get up and walk to the kitchen, when there's a 'phone so nearby and a whole range of numbers you can call that will magically produce food for you after 20 minutes or so.
This is a remarkably more successful step up from those magic beans you'd tried earlier in the year.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Magic beans, pshaw!
If you've got magic beans to produce food magically you might as well cook anyway.
It's like that guy that tried to sell you the magic oven last year that food appeared out of if you put it in first and pushed loads of buttons and turned things. He wasn't a terribly good salesman, really.
This is the week to get your finances in order.
Or put it off to next week. Or have someone else do it for you.
Or to ignore our advice altogether.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will be seduced and then tied into a pretzel-like shape by a tall, dark stranger this week.
Past that the week will be pretty uneventful.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The box of candy that has mysterious appeared on your coffee table with the label 'Eat Me' is not to be trusted.
Give a few candies from it to the neighbourhood kids first, to see if they enjoy the candy and don't die horribly. If that works out well ('working out well' being, of course, that none of them die, or at least not most of them) you should assume the first sentence refers to anything the box of candy may or may not say.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your fiddling around with the television on Tuesday night will, unbeknownst to you (unless you're reading this before Tuesday, of course, or reading it after and realising in hindsight), disrupt tense negotiations between two nations inclined to have tense negotiations and have the negotiations break down while everyone sits around and tunes in to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Regrettably you have to sit around watching a bunch of fat guys in a room staring at the television (though at the time you simply thought it was CNN's regular programming).

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your third favourite wig (the one with the orange bits that look like horns) goes missing on Friday, possibly the most horrible day to lose a wig.
You will have a loaded week.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your week will have a delightful biscuit bottom.
Ehm... take that in whichever manner you like.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Do you remember the witches from Macbeth?
Well, do you?
Nice. Well, just checking, anyway.
Your week will have three more minutes than everyone else's this week.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
While scientists are off discovering blackholes and such near our very own galaxy you're chagrined by the complete lack of attention they're paying to the fact that you don't have a horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When we told you we'd explain next week last week we were really hoping you'd just forget about the whole thing.
Pet rocks went out in the eighties, at the very latest. The fact that your pet rock is, in fact, a rather hard sponge, makes your pet all the more ridiculous.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will have absolutely no recollection of this week whatsoever.
Though you will have a distinct urge to cluck like a chicken every time someone snaps their fingers, hereafter.

[Horoscopes. For all your toy needs.]