Taurus April 20 - May 20
You should probably reconsider your tendency to wear your heart on your sleeve all the time as it makes you a prime target for vampyres and it's also ruining a good deal of your favourite shirts.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your tales around the dinner table and indeed down at the pub inexplicably begin to revolve around your contention that you could have been the world's greatest pole vaulter, had you ever found yourself interested in the discipline and had the time to train and such.
You also point out that you would have also been the first person ever to make the transition from being a cowboy to pole vaulter, had you been a cowboy prior to picking up pole vaulting.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A communications satellite owned by Fox is in your sign the week, which means you'll be required to walk around with a camera crew and their accompanying camera for the week, filming your daily life.
It gets extremely awkward when you spend a good portion of the week with a policeman friend of yours who has been shackled with camera duty for the "Cops" television show and a wild boar attacks the both of you, followed closely behind by the film crew on the "When Wild Boars Attack" programme.
The network execs like the crossovers, but are worried all their shows are going to begin to look the same at some point.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
No use trying to sneak off for the weekend to the beach, the stars can find you even there.
A small child takes your sleeping in the sun as an assent to his query after being allowed to bury you in sand.
Luckily, sand is porous enough for you to breathe for some time. Now, I'll grant you, I'm not speaking from experience, but I'd imagine so.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
To demonstrate the power of mind over matter, stand in front of a mirror and repeat 'I am a duck' over and over and over again until you either actually do become a duck or you annoy your flatmate to the point that they storm out of the building (which would serve them right, for finishing off the last of your ChocoFlakes cereal last week).

Cancer June 21 - July 22
I think you'll find that if you can't remember how to use chopsticks you should really give it up before you hurt someone who is otherwise innocent of your own ignorance. Or if they aren't, they at least have the sense not to be running around with them (possibly begging for an addition to the old advice about not running with scissors).

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Exert your power mind this week, take the bull by the horns, be your own person.
If you'd been cheating and reading other horoscopes than just your own, don't take this to mean you have to stand in front of a mirror and repeat 'I'm a duck, I'm a duck' over and over again. Only if you really want to.
Which is handy if you do, because I'm not entirely sure how else you might exert your power mind, nor do I know, exactly, what one is. Oh sure, I have an idea, maybe, but still. Maybe a rousing game of Scrabble or something might do the trick.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You find yourself walking down the beach this week, and you notice footprints in the sand next to yours, and they follow for quite some way. Or you follow them.
However, you're not nearly as curious about the footprints as you are about the writing on the beach (which is considerably more welcome than the writing on the wall). It's not terribly helpful, but it looks like someone with really terrible handwriting has written either "Chicken Curry, blurry blurry," a Samuel Beckett short story, or "FAS?"
(It is really bad handwriting.)

Libra September 23 - October 22
The Bikini Killers, after ravaging several department stores' bikini sections, are still free and at large (and generally round your flat every couple of days or so, and for which, in return for using your flat as a sort of base, they spare your bikinis and the bikinis of two other people whom you've yet to specify (their offer, not your idea)).
The newspapers offer bemused accounts of a group of aubergines (a gaggle of them, offers the liberal newspaper, attempting to be different) storming into major department stores and laying waste to the swimwear sections and then go back to talking about the rail strike or David Beckham's hair.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Does it ever get you down, this non-horoscopeness?
Do you ever wake up screeching in the night, "For the love of Pete, couldn't I just get a bloody horoscope just once in my life, wouldn't it just be oh so nice!"
If that's you, we got a note from your neighbours last week, asking that we please tell you to stop screeching, it's keeping them up.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A wacky Belgian monkey moving in next door makes you suspect you actually live in a sitcom.
His gorgeous trainer clinches it, though by that point you don't mind so much, so long as you're not the geeky neighbour.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You and the talking pirhana have a lot in common, it turns out. Besides the obvious one that he likes hamburger and so do you. Though he tends to have his raw and still in cow form, mostly. And decidedly soggy, which makes ketchup and bread just besides the point, really.
He also enjoys watersports.

[Horoscopes. Some musical tidbits for you this week, especially for those kids sitting around the office with their Slab or their Cube.]