Taurus April 20 - May 20
In preparation for the intergalactic war looming for us all you go out and buy warpaint this week.
Or perhaps it's just to frighten your neighbour, who hasn't gotten the hint that you don't enjoy them leaving their rubbish bags on your part of the pavement out front.

Leo July 23 - August 22
A wise old man once told you to take the road less travelled.
Halfway down the path, upon getting your shirt stuck in the brambles for the third or fourth time, you begin to think either the old bugger was just a malicious sort or that he'd not actually been down this way, and was just curious. You vow to lie and tell him there was a mountain of ice cream at the end of the path, just to spite him. Unless, of course, there is a mountain of ice cream at the end, in which case, you'll tell him there's a mountain of... bees, or something.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You find yourself trapped in a Stephen King story this week. Especially if you find yourself in Maine.
Of course, it's not so much the plot that makes your week like a Stephen King story, but the fact that you're in Maine. So if you're not in Maine it will feel like a decidedly hollow Stephen King story.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Ack! For the love of all that's good and holy, don't wear that shirt this week!
If you're a celebrity, parsley comes in to play in your week in a big way.
if you're a celery, please go away, I've told you countless times I don't do horoscopes for Gemini celery.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This week reminds you indeliably of the 80s.
The horror of this proposition hits with full force when you catch yourself singing 'Manic Monday' on the train in to work on Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday. On Friday, you rest. By singing 'Girls Just Wanna have Fun.' Perhaps I should have mentioned it's a girl-band-based 80s week. According to Capricorn and Belinda Carlisle, so don't blame me.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Like King Midas, everything you touch turns to chicken this week.
For those of you raising your fingers to make a point that King Midas was known for something other than turning things into chicken I would just like to say straight off that you've obviously not paid close enough attention to your myths now, have you?

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If the Universe were a bowl of soup, for you it'd probably be tomato soup this week.
If it were a bowl of cherries it'd probably still be tomato soup.
Which is handy, if you like tomato soup.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Though you hadn't intentionally run through the crowd of pigeons, you still can't help but feel the flock of pigeons following you home on Thursday evening isn't out for revenge.
Our advice, and the stars', with regards to irate pigeons is to stay in well-lit areas, and carry a machine gun.
If you don't have a machine gun handy you might be able to make do with a machete. Though just barely.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Bikini Killers from Mars land in your living room this Tuesday!
This is slightly less exciting than it sounds, as their primary mission is to kill bikinis, and none of them seem to be adorning starlets or otherwise attractive people when they're destroyed.
Nor are the Bikini Killers wearing bikinis, themselves, as that'd probably be a bit hypocritical of themselves now, wouldn't it?
Thankfully, too, as these bikini killers are reddish, slightly overweight, and whose bodily structure appears to consist of something resembling an aubergine, and not a whole lot else.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Did you know that Pauley Shore might also be a Scorpio, and thus without a horoscope?
This interesting fun fact brought to you by the International Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Bald Tyres, who are still convened somewhere in Madrid, deciding the Fate of Scorpios everywhere.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A lizard in the hand is worth £20,000. If the lizard is made of pure gold.
Presumably. Two lizards in the bush aren't probably worth a whole lot, especially if the bush has those sharp needles on them, which are always a pain to go burrowing through and consequently the most popular hiding place for valuable lizards.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
While exploring in the deepest depths of the Amazon rain forest, in search of the Lost Golden Keys of Jim (your flatmate who lost his set of keys for the flat, the very keys you're off searching for now, as a matter of fact) you wake up one morning in the dripping heat of the jungle, only to notice your legs have gone missing!
You find soon enough that this is not the case, though, when you come to realise they're still there, just stuck under a giant, land-based, apparently, talking pirhana. Who objects to you wiggling your legs to see if they're still there or not and says so (which is how you figure out it's a talking pirhana).

[Horoscopes. The Founder speaks!]