Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are feeling very sleepy, you are feeling very sleeeepy.
Oh, wait, sorry, horoscopes, not hypnosis.
You will assert yourself this week.
And you are still feeling very sleepy, regardless.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Staring at a melon in the supermarket is one route to nirvana and everlasting happiness.
Usually because the staff will tend to put a discount on melons after they notice someone staring at one for hours on end.
Which is pretty happy, if you ask me.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Ironing! How could you write an article about loving to iron! Gaaaaaargh!
This message comes from Saturn, who's just had to iron their shirt, and is just happy enough to leave the damn thing wrinkly (possibly with more crisp wrinkles after an hour of wrestling with it).
If you haven't written an article about ironing Saturn's still annoyed, and would like you to take note.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Car chases are not all that interesting, judging by the one you're involved in this week.
Of course, it might have been more exciting if you weren't on a scooter, pushing yourself along, shouting 'Follow that car!' every couple of minutes or so, which had been accompanied by pointing at the aforementioned car until you almost lost control of the scooter and veered too close for your comfort into a postbox. After which you were quite content to just shout and push yourself along.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The owner of the slipped disk of which you find yourself in possession returns this week, thanks you for watching and watering it while he was on holiday, and then disappears again.
You're rather disappointed you got nothing other than a thank you. Even though your watering of the disk consisted of spilling your drink on it while going to put it the drink back on the coaster the slipped disk was serving as.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
An interesting magical experiment to try this week: Steal a lock of someone's hair who you'd really like to take to dinner on Thursday, sprinkle basil on it, and then call them to tell them you've got something you'd like to give them, and would they like to come over on Thursday for dinner so you can give it back.
Tie the lock up with a red ribbon if you want them to come over wearing nothing but a trenchcoat.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If a lemming doesn't want to be caught, a lemming is not going to be caught.
So let it go, man, let it go.

Aries March 21 - April 19
While your skills with juggling wine bottles are quite impressive, the waitstaff still requests that you leave the restaurant, which you take to mean you should accompany the guy you hit with one of them to hospital.
Personally, I was impressed that you were able to take a swig from the one with wine left in it while keeping all the others in the air. Mostly.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Unlike finding a penny, finding someone's dentures is good luck no matter which side is up!
Consider yourself lucky this week.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The continuing absence of your horoscope worries you.
Well, okay, it doesn't, really, but it gives you an opportunity to look worried at parties and have beautiful people come up to you and ask why you're looking so worried.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If a tree falls in a forest and crushes the butterfly flapping it's wings, will there still be a tidal wave, sucking down the whole of California?
We can only hope, we can only hope...[1]
[1] No explicit malice is meant to those people that find themselves living in California. Possibly a small bit, but that's probably because we're jealous. Or something. In no way does this condone violence, tidal wave-involving or not, against Californians. Unless there's no other option.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
When I started writing these horoscopes (today, not whenever it was I started on here, a year and a half or so ago), I could feel my arm. I can no longer feel most of my arm.
This may be taken as a warning against writing horoscopes at any rate, for those of you still interested in using your arms after such an activity.
You have a spot of curry on your sleeve.

[Horoscopes. Q.I. Software - Gerbils for Everyone!]