Taurus April 20 - May 20
Chiclets play a large role in your week.
This seems relatively safe, considering last week's inadvertant kickoff of the Fifth Great Ice Age.
Safe until wanton use of a chiclet takes a formerly innocent passer-by's eye out.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The mighty lion sleeps tonight. However, with everyone by default going Wee-Oo-Wee-Oo-a-Weem-a-all that it's bound to wake up and be rather cranky, as one is wont to be upon finding they've been awaken by a ridiculous song.
You fail to understand the appeal of Marmite for some people.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You also fail to understand the appeal of Marmite for some people, though it bothers you slightly less than it bothers Leos. That's the sign, Leo, not people named Leo. Just in case you'd gotten this confused with something else other than a horoscope sheet.
You find it incredibly difficult to concentrate when pygmies from Canada insist on tap-tap-tapping on the table in the library.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You attempt to get smarmy with a doorman this week, as it's your destiny, in your sign, rising in the Third House of Spelling Bees. It doesn't go well, though, as you're quite out of practise, and have completely and utterly forgotten your smarmy shoes when the opportunity arises.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Not to worry, that was Gemini rising in the Third House of Spelling Bees, not Killer Bees. Or Killer Bess, in fact. No killing, just a whole lotta shakin' goin' on.
You find yourself with a slipped disk this week, luckily it's not yours.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
The stars had something really clever all decked out for you this week but seem to have lost interest, really.
Especially after your incident with whipped cream on Saturday.
Eat at Joe's.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Oodles of poodles!
This is a fantastically exciting phrase to write. It is slightly less exciting to say, as it will generally get you strange looks. You may get punched, though I personally think that's a bit harsh. Unless you're screaming it in the middle of either a shopping centre or the cinema (especially the UGC on Fulham Road).

Aries March 21 - April 19
I would be especially wary of chairs this week.
They're noted for waiting very very still for long periods of time, lulling you into a false sense of security, making you feel at home, in charge, large and in charge, as the saying goes, almost beckoning you to sit down on them, though that doesn't quite fit in with the being still part, as beckoning implies some sort of movement, or so I think, at any rate, looking very inviting, and safe, and still, and really rather harmless, and just when you settle in, perhaps slouch down a bit, begin to get really comfortable BAM!, they've trapped your wrists in some hitherto unseen hooks and have you trapped, at their mercy!
Mind those chairs...

Libra September 23 - October 22
"Vengeance is a bitter pill on the halfshell."
So whispers an old man as he passes you in the street. Most normal people would ignore this, and, however normal you might feel, you're drawn into the sordid world of this visionary when your button gets snagged on his sleeve and you're forced to follow him around and listen to his theories on Vengeance and pills, possibly until your shirt decomposes and the butotn falls off, releasing you. A bit like an albatross, but with halitosis, you note.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
YOU HAVE NO HOROSCOPE!
And the fact that we had to yell leads us to believe you've also lost your hearing, as well... very irresponsible of you, overall...

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You find your missing foot from last week; it turns out a polar bear didn't eat it, it had just fallen down behind the sofa again.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Ever wonder what would happen if you went through the looking glass?
Well of course not, last time you tried that you needed seventeen stitches and chalked up a total of 28 years bad luck. Live and learn, as they say.

[Horoscopes. You can have these on your site now! Wow!]