Taurus April 20 - May 20
Hey, you! Yes, I'm talking to you, with the banana in your ear... ah, erm, wait. I don't think that's quite how that joke goes.
This huge failure to properly remember a joke on the part of the stars that make up the Taurus zodiac sign triggers the Fifth Great Ice Age, which isn't all that great, even if you've central heating.

Leo July 23 - August 22
As channel four's roving ficus plant reporter (a gig scored by your agent, who has hinted that he may or may not have had to have Chris Evans killed for you to get the job) you get the breaking Fifth Great Ice Age story and wind up having to interview a rather sheepish Taurus concerning their part in the onset of it being really quite cold.
The news execs figured the news would seem extremely poignant being reported on by someone who perennially has to worry about frosts and the like.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The sight of a ficus plant in earmuffs and gloves on the eleven o'clock news berating a Taurus for setting off the Fifth Great Ice Age has you running to the encyclopaedia and the web for an exact count of the number of previous ice ages, trying to catch the stars and horoscopes out and having not done nearly enough research into just how many ice ages we've had thus far.
Ah Ha! But little did you know that in the Fifth Great Ice Age, as Nostradamus predicted, probably, when he was talking about "and it will get quite chilly, and the demon from the south with devour the demon from the west and all will still be quite cold, and you won't feel like waiting for the bus for very long, and shall be confined to your homes, where at least it's warm," the internet and encyclopaedias will be down for the duration of the Fifth Great Ice Age.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
The encroachment of the Fifth Great Ice Age really gets your knickers in a twist, as now all those stocks you'd bought in global warming have just gone right down the toilet.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You feel quite relieved, your incident in which you created a blackhole in your kitchen sink being somewhat overshadowed by the Fifth Great Ice Age.
It cuts into your speaking engagement appointments, but overall you're pretty happy.
Until you realise, after the ice has risen over the top of your door, that you have a video you hadn't managed to return just yet and are going to get charged astronomical late fees if this Ice Age doesn't clear up soon.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your plan to reverse the Ice Age by getting a petition together and having loads and loads of copies distributed, signed, and then burned in a great big bonfire in the centre of town is a noble gesture, but completely pointless.
And it gets you arrested for attempting to set fire to the town centre with the two petitions you'd received back, which an embarrassing way to go, surely.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Look what you've done now; with your unhappiness with soap-on-a-rope you've caused the Fifth Great Ice Age!
While this may contradict the bulk of the blame placed thus far (and squarely at or on the Tauri in the audience) and the nature of the cause and effect between not being grateful for soap-on-a-rope in your horoscope and it getting incredibly cold and icy may not be exactly clear, the stars hope to distract those thoughts from your head by placing a large shiney Elvis button (not related in most ways, shapes, and forms to the big red button) in front of your face.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Being a Grade A Ninja Assassin isn't a great deal of help against the bitter cold, as you'd expect, of the Fifth Great Ice Age. (For those of you not following along, there's an Ice Age on. It's either Taurus' or Pisces' fault.)
The one thing you do know, and which you may have learned in ninja training, is that now is most definitely not the time to be licking metal posts.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Due to Darwin's Rules of Thumb of Evolution (recently downgraded from a Law by the appearance of yet another Steven Seagal film and the general state of the press) you probably don't have much of a future, insisting on being macho (yes, even you girls) and not wearing a coat, against the better advice of your mother and anyone who sees you outside without a coat and the -20° Celcius temperatures.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Despite not having a horoscope you do notice that it's quite chilly out there.
The Horoscopal Board of Integrity and Ham Sandwiches has not prepared a comment as of yet on where they're holidaying in these cold times.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A polar bear seems to have eaten your foot at some point.
You notice this when you get to the top step and attempt to take another step up and almost chin yourself on the door handle of the door at the top of the stairs.
Now if you can just remember where it might have been you wouldn't really be any better off, but at least you'd be able to show your grandchildren the spot where the polar bear ate your foot.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Due to the Fifth Great Ice Age on at the moment, you could take advantage of the land bridge between Alaska and Siberia and the other one between Norway, England, Ireland, and Iceland to go on a cheap walking holiday!
Or, erm, not, as there doesn't appear to be a land bridge going to Spain or Hawai'i or anywhere else worth holidaying in.
And you want to avoid walking all that much, as you've heard people have had their feet eaten by polar bears recently.

[Horoscopes. Teddy's back! Wahey! And Sol's gone! Erm..]