Taurus April 20 - May 20
The Sun also rises.
The Sun, a bit dismayed at being overshadowed weekly by a load of stars considerably further away, would like to point out that it likes your hair like that, and hopes you have a wonderful week.
This wishy-washiness exhibited by the Sun is perhaps why you prefer to listen to the stars.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Following your wildly popular appearance on Friends you wind up having to get an agent, who filters the numerous requests to appear on television shows.
You get offers for ficus plant parts on Melrose, Buffy, and even the late night BBC 4 news programme. In addition, there's an offer to play a doormat on The West Wing, but you have to tell them, "Hey man, I'm just a ficus plant."

Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you happened to have just graduated, the stars say, "Well, well, aren't we the intelligent one?"
They mean that in the most sincere and complimentary way possible.
And they can't resist making cracks about what a nerd you are all week long. They're possibly just jealous.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
The stars say you should wear white, all white, this week.
This marks an interesting foray into the fashion space for the stars, which required a slight re-writing of their business plan to get the extra funding required for such a move.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Due to last week's blackhole incident you are contracted to give several talks and papers on "How to Create a Blackhole Using Nothing More than Your Kitchen Sink, Three Days Worth of Dishes, and the Generic Brand Dish Detergent."
In your remaining spare time you attempt to discover other fun and exciting advanced physics experiments to try at home whilst doing the cleaning.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
The stars say you're in for some bad mojo this week.
The stars really need to lay off listening to the Doors in smoke-filled rooms.
Keep your fingers away from electrical sockets.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Soap-on-a-rope is such an amazing invention. You have soap, and you have a rope. One on the other, in fact! It's like some sort of soap/rope combination magic!
It's too bad you've so long for your birthday to come around again...

Aries March 21 - April 19
I used to get to this sign every week and whinge for hours and hours about what a crap sign it was, appearing as it did where it did on the page.
Karmic retribution doesn't kick in this week, though, and you don't get a good horoscope.
This may be due to a limitation in your horoscope writer, though, and you might want to check and see if there isn't an upgrade. Failing that you can always search him out and inflict bodily harm to him.
You become a Grade A Ninja Assassin this week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You will have an unfortunate incident by the water cooler this week.
And no amount of crash-protective gear will save you.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You know the scene at the end of Jurassic Park where the credits stop rolling and the screen goes blank?
That's a bit like your horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The Welsh will rise up against you this week.
This causes no end of hassle in rearranging your schedule.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Buy a guy a fish dinner and he eats for the evening, teach a man to fish and the other guy you bought the fish dinner will probably be happy you weren't thinking ahead when you were buying him the dinner. The guy you taught to fish might wind up getting a hook caught in his thumb and curse your name forever and wish you'd just left him alone, as he was quite happy playing his video games.

[Horoscopes. So Greg's gone and shut.]