Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week will be most notable for you not robbing that bank on Saturday, even though a talking fish named Owen told you to.

Leo July 23 - August 22
As a ficus plant, you being to appreciate the miracle of Life and all natural plant food.
However, before getting down to all-out appreciation you invite a few friends over and turn on the tele to catch your appearance on Friends.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Spring is in the air!
It's a colourless, odourless, tasteless gas that is potentially lethal, taken in large doses. And may cause people to wear ridiculous clothing. Similiar to methane, but spelled differently. This is the explanation you can give for wearing a gas mask this week.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
"I know what I'm doing" are possibly the most dangerous, and factually incorrect, words you've ever uttered.
Especially when perched atop a chain link fence...

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Whilst rinsing a cup off in the sink you notice the water swirling the wrong way round down the drain. This ceases to astonish you when the sink collapses in on itself and forms a very small, very dense blackhole.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You should sieze the day on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.
The other days we're sure you'll find something suitable on television.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You have a tremendous amount of difficulty with your digital watch this week.
Perhaps you didn't need that laser gun feature after all.

Aries March 21 - April 19
That money tree you planted when you were six (in the hole you'd begun as a new high speed transit tunnel to China) just took a little longer to sprout than you'd anticipated.
The notes are also, unfortunately, in Canadian dollars, but still, you make out quite all right, with the sheer volume of them.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You tell people at a dinner party on Friday that you "have sensed a disturbance in the Force." Most assume you've passed gas and don't even guess that you've sensed New Kids on the Block are about to attempt a comeback.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sing along! "Scorpio has no hor-o-scope, Scorpio is worse off than soap-on-a-rope!" Repeat.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your towel gets irrevocably snagged on the set of handcuffs dangling from you right wrist. While this ensures you'll always have a towel near in case of spills, it's your oversized green ducks towel.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your lifelong fear of spontaneously combusting almost comes to pass as you're out sunbathing and your arm bursts into flame!
The little boy playing with matches near you may have had something to do with it, though, so it may not have been nearly as spontaneous as you'd thought.

[Horoscopes. Have you tried Darwin yet, you pointy-heads out there?.]