Taurus April 20 - May 20
The lead singer for Spain's hottest band, La Guapa Vida, crashes at your place this week.
Not that you know the lead singer, or the band, necessarily, save for their ground-breaking appearance at Eurovision last year during which they didn't sing at all, they just danced about the stage while each on took turns pouting at the camera. And won the contest.
The lead singer him/herself (depending on your preference and which Taurus you are, as there are all-male and all-female versions of La Guapa Vida) doesn't take up all that much space, but their accompanying leather wardrobe is a bit much. Just as you're about to complain you catch sight of their third suitcase, which turns out to be packed solely with massage oils.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You manage to sneak off the set of Friends and get home, which is an impressive feat, for a ficus plant.
The impressiveness of it all hits you when you attempt to kick back on your sofa and put your feet up and you find that you haven't got any feet.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
After kicking off what might be termed a horrific series of events by bashing that poor little green frog with your frying pan (and leaving quite a nasty residue on the pan, in fact, so that you're inclined to bin it and just go buy another one) you take it easy this week.
But not too easy! Lest you let the sullen beekeepers you'd been keeping away with your hawk-like vigilance invade your home.
Oh no, don't tell me, you've relaxed too much, haven't you?

Gemini May 21 - June 20
The phrase 'dude' (which arguably isn't quite a phrase) in all it's glorious manifestations and inflections will put in a starring performance in your vocabulary this week.
You will have a ham and cheese sandwich on rye bread on Tuesday. Oh, and find the Love of your Life. (Not one and the same, the sandwich and the Love, of course.)

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your week heralds a new era in digital display technology.
You call your invention 'beer goggles.'

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Take care not to disturb the pile of newspapers your crazy next door neighbour has been accumulating for the last ten years, despite the fact that it's now invading your property's airspace, because last time you'd pushed them back into his own yard you'd caused a minor collapse in the infrastructure of the wall nearest your property, and when he was unearthed from the debris he wasn't terribly happy. And he's just creepy.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A great ball of fire in the sky will tell you to turn around and lead your people to the Promised Bungalow by following the rigid coyote, and they will know to follow you by the staff of pure canary yellow plastic that you carry, and wield triumphantly in front of you.
That is the absolute last time you should have the chicken and chili enchilada with extra sour cream and that spicey stuff from Tito's Tacos ever again.

Aries March 21 - April 19
This week will be considerably easier for you.
Why, you ask?
Because I can tell you the answers.
It's multiple choice, and the answers are A, B, A, C, C, D, A, B, B or D (trick question), and A.
Now you can spend your week on more worthwhile pursuits, like a goodish amount of sleep (easy enough to pursue, and catch, as a matter of fact, being largely stationary (meaning not moving, not meaning paper with your company's logo on it)). Or time in a service lift. Either/or.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You get the notion in your head this week that it's your destiny to save the world from the next major thing that threatens it's existence and the existence of all the things on it.
While you're excited about this, you're hoping you don't have to go to Redmond to kick Bill Gates' ass, because you're a bit low on cash and would only be able to afford a one way ticket.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You. Have. No. Horoscope.
So saith the International Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Cheese Fondue. Mmm, integrity...

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A wicker chair plays heavily in to your week.
Tennis, to be specific. It beats you in straight sets. However, I would suggest a rematch on clay, as apparently it has difficulty with fast surfaces.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week is your week to sit back and reflect on all that is good and right in the world.
We recommend a naugahyde-based chair or sofa for this reflection. And, while you're at it, get a more comfortable couch, damnit.

[Horoscopes. We're ready for summer, too. No sleep till Brooklyn, babe.]

[NB. So the Head Editor wasn't around the office much this weekend, off writing a novel or film or something, in the park, which makes sense, as opposed to, say, his desk, at a computer, or something, but that's okay. However, the short time he was in the office, he came over to my desk and put his arm around my shoulder and said, "Son," which I'm not, by the way, his son, and I always fear for my job when he does stuff like that, "look at this." And proceeded to show me this faded notebook with, small pause and hush to set the proper mood, the original notebook and original horoscopes. Needless to say.
So we then proceeded to spend an hour looking over these eleven horoscopes (yes, no Scorpio, the legends are true). Which, to be honest, wasn't the most exciting hour I've spent in the office. And I do believe I could possibly feel what was my brain leaking out of my ears by the end. Luckily, at this point, before any of the embarrassing leakage could make it's way either on to the desk or perhaps the sacred notebook, the Head Editor leapt off for either the park or the 'phone, mumbling something about three characters. No idea what he was on about, but now you see what I go through to get these to you every week... I think you'll find.]