Taurus April 20 - May 20
Yellow is your colour this week.
Protect it for all it's worth because it's really no good at standing up for itself and, being yellow, often gets the crap kicked out of it for being one of the less bold colours.
Failure to complete this mission means you don't get to wear the secret agent badge the following week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Harrowing week behind you and the emu now well and gone to forage and graze and teach other hapless wanderers to crochet and do the multitude of other things emus tend to do with their free time, you attempt to have a go at leaving Greenland once again.
Figuring that it may have been within your power to leave all along, you tap the heels of your ruby slippers together...

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Jumping Lima Beans, Virgo! The crooks have just kidnapped the mayor's daughter!
And it's up to you to save her!
I'll be over here, having a sandwich, since I'm not a Virgo.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
I apologise for the French people in your horoscope last week. That was uncalled for and unnecessarily harsh on my part, and I shall never ever subject you to that sort of treatment again, I promise.
Unless I forget, in which case I'll probably apologise again, remembering this promise, and hope that you don't remember it, and we'll spend the week in one of those awkward dances of indecision and mistrust.
This week is yours to savour and enjoy before all the nastiness kicks in.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You, for one, thought Hume went on a little too long about Celibacy (capitalised!) in his whole Morals thing.
You also object to his wanton use of captialisation, and if he were around today you'd take his skeptical butt outside and give it a good beating.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Succulent is not a word you would use to describe your week, really.
First off, it's more of a taste thing, and though popular clichés may utilise taste in unconventional manners, we don't condone misusing senses all that often and taste doesn't apply to a week, unless it's metaphorical, and we're also avoiding that this week.
Secondly, spending the week at home with a paper bag on your head to prevent hyperventilation (well, at least you're prepared) would probably not be anyone's idea of a decent definition of succulent.
Oh, and your socks won't match this week, either.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll wish you hadn't opened that box by Tuesday, what with the evil seeping round your house in a dirty kind of fog.
Something tells you you shouldn't try opening the other box labelled "Pandora's" anytime soon, as that was just the Unreal Tournament box you'd opened.
Those of you living in or near Los Angeles may have a bit of difficulty noticing the evil fog from the normal smog.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You are accused, in front of a rather large audience, of being an alien.
"A space one," a thoughtful guy at the back of the audience clarifies, just in case you'd gotten wrong impression. The thoughtful guy gets approving glances from a good portion of the audience, save a few who throw looks of disdain in his direction for having to clarify such, so they thought, an obvious point.
All from trying to order an ice cream cone with a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of cheescake factory ice cream.
And as such, as soon as the finished cone arrives (alien or not, you've paid your £1.35) you don't really care which way the crowd's judgement goes because hey, ice cream.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Puncture.
A sound punctures the night, the still of the night, later this week. For you.
And unfortunately for you this bodes ill, indeed, as it's the sound of Regis Philbin's stalking gear, which means he's probably sitting outside your window again with binoculars.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You know that Beach Boys song, "Wouldn't It Be Nice?"
Well okay, if you send in an mp3 of yourself singing that to the horoscope writer you just might get a horoscope.
There is a good chance this is just a cruel ruse, though...

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've got something on your front teeth, erm... it's red. Ish. No, no, not there, the next tooth over, to the right. Your right.
Oh wait, no, sorry, my mistake, I've got chili peppers taped to my glasses again.
Your week will be all frilly and hip hop (the two adjectives not being related).

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
As a general rule in Life, and especially this week, as much as you should let a sleeping dog lie, you should also never, under almost no circumstances, kick a sleeping chicken.
You will be abducted by aliens this week.

[Horoscopes. Oh hey gaaaaames.]