Taurus April 20 - May 20
Dis-co dis-co hrm-rah!
This delightful little ditty will repeat itself incessantly in your head throughout the week, causing an eruption in public song-singing on your part, which, though it may not endear you to the crowd in the film theatre, will have saved your brain from exploding due to that innocuous looking little ditty.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Greenland is nice this time of year, if thoroughly coated with ice. And emus. Including the one you're becoming dangerously close to befriending. This week it teaches you how to start a fire, catch fish, and roast the fish on the fire. And it also attempts to teach you how to crochet, but you just can't learn that many things in one week.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
First impressions are very, very important, and if you're not careful you might poke an eye out, leaving them only with that first impression, as every subsequent comment/interaction with them afterwards goes something along the lines of "Ack! My eye, my eye!"

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your initial attempt at walking on water is met with much sogginess and much derision from the religious communities surrounding yourself.
The sogginess comes from when one of the little buggers pushes you out on to the water.
The good news is, despite a little leakage in your patent leathers, you find you can stand quite comfortably on water for ten, fifteen seconds. Or so.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You should have known better than that, honestly.
Mars in your kitchen with Delilah causes severe bloating.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A hermit once predicted you would regret killing that bug and had attempted to teach you "to respect all creatures, great and small."
Oh and don't you regret it now, when the doctor tells you the one thing that could save your life after a bizarre automobile accident involving a bear, three jellyfish, a tree, and not a car in sight (which might be why it's bizarre) is a salve made from the stuff you get by squishing one of those special bugs, thought to have been snuffed out a few years ago due to indiscriminate squashing by people just like yourself.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The Sun in your Second House of Fibbing gives you gas, for some strange reason, a hitherto un-star-caused condition.
Or it may have been the burritos from Tito's Tacos.

Aries March 21 - April 19
On your way to work Wednesday you will find a large lamp that looks vaguely Arabian, sitting on the beach (you've taken the circuitous route to work, unless you happen to be a lifeguard on Baywatch, in which case, right on). So, naturally, you pick it up and, looking furtively in all directions, begin to rub it.
To your complete and utter amazement Hugh Grant pops out of the lamp and offers you three wishes!
But you can't make them until next week!

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you happened to have touched that dial, even accidentally, are you ever in for it.
You will have a pancake kind of week.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
In the absence of a horoscope, you make an excellent set of decorative folded serviettes for your dinner table Thursday.
Aren't you glad you don't have a horoscope now? Don't you feel that much more productive?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Dust bunnies are normally portrayed by the media by harmless, wistful, careless kind of creatures, right?
Your own personal take on the matter suffers a radical shift this week, when one kills and eats your favourite plant. And you suspect they've been stealing food from your refridgerator for some time now, as well...

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your concentration will be shattered by a small bird flying into it during the course of the week, leaving shards of concentration all over the floor and you having to shout people away from coming to close, lest they get a piece of concentration embedded painfully in their foot.
This is an excellent argument for getting tinted concentration, so the birds won't fly into it any longer, and it's as easy to clean as regular glazed concentration.

[Horoscopes. Blog, blog, blog, blerg. But Greg's funny, honest.]

[NB. Whew.]