Taurus April 20 - May 20
The Earth shall move for you this week.
Unfortunately, following the laws of inertia to some vague degree it doesn't seem to want to get moving again like it normally does (the Earth normally spins), and you're required to keep it moving by complicated hand gestures and pleading. Otherwise one side of the Earth is going to get very, very cold, and if it's my side I'm coming over there to sort you out for messing things up in the first place.

Leo July 23 - August 22
No matter how far you think you can throw a chili dog there will be no distance far enough when scientists unveil the new walking chili dog later this week.
Your week will squidge.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars say you can hop on as many planes as you like but it's you who's going to wind up with jet lag, not them, and they're still going to tickle the hell out of you when they catch you, which is scientifically proven to be ten times more effective whilst the ticklee is jet lagged.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Shouting "Gerbil" in a crowded theatre isn't covered in your first Amendment rights, either, it appears.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Someone's sat on your hat this week.
It is not a cat.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A giant gerbil, possibly invoked by a Gemini, tries to start a cult in your neighbourhood, next door, as a matter of fact.
And you, as part of the neighbourhood welcoming committee, have many a sleepless night this week, trying to decide what protocol might be in this case...

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You have an uncanny ability to recite useless tofu facts this week.
One of the slightly less exciting 'gems' you come up with is: "Tofu is an excellent source of amusement, especially if you've got a smooth, slick, vertical surface perfect for throwing tofu against and watching it slide down."

Aries March 21 - April 19
Why can you never seem to manage to tuck your shirt in? If you only put in a little effort you might look a little more presentable and people would be happier to hang out with you.
And comb your hair.
(You comb your hair, not the people who might be willing to hang out with you should you figure out how to tuck your shirts in.)

Libra September 23 - October 22
A pigeon takes umbrage at your wanton use of feathers in your cap (though they be not pigeon feathers) and does what pigeons do when they want to show they're angry. Namely, it struts around and goes 'Coo' and pecks at the ground. In a very pissed off manner, though.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So you've got no horoscope.
Now if your dog would just die and your lover leave you (possibly intertwining the two events for convenience's sake) you could probably write some damn fine blues songs.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A freak wind from the West (yes, the West Wind, ode to it and all) causes a small tornado to be produced around your flat.
During the course of the week you find you can control it by asking it politely to do things.
You almost immediately become one of the cool kids on the block, for having your own pet tornado, because hey, no one wants to mess with anyone with a pet tornado.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The memory of you, in your youth, hanging out in a bar, having a drink, having a quiet drink (the same one as before, you've not got two drinks in front of you), when someone calls you their "funny valentine", which is odd, since it's July, but the guy keeps persisting, and the next thing you hear, really is, "Oh man! I can't believe you punched Frank Sinatra!" which is ridiculous, because you're pretty sure it was just a poster on the jukebox.
That's what's going through your head this week.

[Horoscopes. In our lazy fashion, this week's link borrowed from our friends at Muse.]

[NB. The physics and other sciences, natural and otherwise, are no more guaranteed to work than last week's. To take an example, tornados, contrary to our fanciful Sagittarius horoscope, do not make good pets.
There is no good reason, really, for the (some might say) gratuitous use of gerbils as both a little creature and a fun word to say to further this week's horoscopes (the actual result of which is subject to intense study and debate, possibly not in that order, or could be, depending on your preference, really, we're flexible that way).
This is not becoming a regular feature.]