Taurus April 20 - May 20
Crazy naked mole chickens will wreak havoc on your plans to get a facial midweek.
One of them plays a passable banjo, if you manage to stop and admire any individual talents.

Leo July 23 - August 22
In the twilight of Tuesday, voices shall speak unto thee, telling thee of great wealth and fortune to be had with minimal embarassment in a new show along the lines of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" where you don't have to ask any questions and they throw knives at you to determine whether or not you deserve great wealth. And fortune.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The writing on the wall says something about higher revenue driven by targetting more narrow demographics with smudgemark smudgemark, arrow pointing vaguely at some box-like structure with the legend PRODUCT and a space where it looks like someone's repeatedly tapped underneath PRODUCT with a dry erase marker.
Someone's stolen your shoes this week, leaving behind a note saying, "Needed to pop out quickly, will be back before too long."

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You look lovely in that hat.
Your week will end with a sudden thud.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Duct tape and glue are not good solutions to a faulty memory.
Tickle a banana this week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A quick and easy recipe for a healthy and happy week:
- Alcohol, and lots of it. (Little umbrellas for extra happiness)
- Pardons from your local government for any and all results of the alcohol, your judgement, and the laws of the surrounding environment in which the resulting judgement was loosed.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A wild night out partying with Alec Baldwin is not advised this week.
In fact, that goes for most weeks, as there's always the chance you'll run into one of his brothers and be forced to talk to them for the evening.
Your week will be otherwise pine-scented.

Aries March 21 - April 19
This sign shall some day be the death of us all.
Your addiction to Cadbury's chocolate begins the process by claiming the lives of four this week in a tragic incident outside a newsagents in Liverpool that is later deemed wholly unnecessary when a box of Timeout bars end up being underneath the counter, after all.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A messenger from the Other Side will deliver your spleen this week.
Which goes to show you really wouldn't notice if someone took your spleen until it was brought back.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The taunts of the schoolyard kids of "You've got no horoscope, you've got no horoscope!" cause you to change the route you walk to work along.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week is a week for doing something new.
Like paragliding. If this isn't new to you, perhaps you should wait until proper weeks for doing things new before going off on those kinds of adventures next time.
Your next scheduled week for doing something new is coming up in October.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Like vinegar and water don't mix, nor do sawdust and vinegar. Or sawdust and water. Or chocolate and vinegar.
Or bikini wax and sawdust.
Rachel Hunter has apparently given an interview blaming her lust for you as the reason for her current marital status of 'single' (for those of you checking the boxes on the forms).
This is the third supermodel to come out with such revelations in the last few years.

[Horoscopes. Marathon! Ah, so many sweet hours wasted, wasted away.]