Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your dance of the week is the mambo.
Your colour of the week is fuschia, which, as the bus adverts say, is "Caught Red-Handed Fuschia".
Don't eat cookies and drive.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your dance of the week is the watusi and your colour is a nice golden brown, which fails to remind you of roast turkey as you always smother your turkey in gravy.
Three wise men visit your house, looking for someone they call the Messiah. One of them uses your toilet.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The dance of your week is the waltz, and, appropriately, your week's colour is blue.
There is a rumour that, due to budgetary constraints and cutbacks, Virgos may have to write their own horoscopes, and that certain people will get free will only because there are entirely too many destinies out there to control in a cost-effective manner.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your dance of the week is the one that two people do when they meet in the street and intend to get by one another, only simultaneously (or a close approximation) choose the same direction, and spend a few minutes rocking to and fro in the middle of the pavement, feeling tremendously stupid.
Your week will be translucent.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Cha-cha is not only one of the undeniably fun set of syllables to say, it's also your dance of the week!
The stars licence you to go off and get incredibly drunk this week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
The dance of your week is the one with the fishes.
So says the mafia-guy that shows up at your door early Tuesday morning. When you ask if he didn't mean sleeps with fishes he gets all huffy and stomps off, kicking the milkbottles on your doorstep over.
Your colour this week is relieved.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your dance of the week is the Botticelli.
Since you know that there's a painter named Botticelli but haven't heard of a dance named the same you suspect the stars have run out of dances for people this week and are simply naming the first thing that pops into their collective head.
So you wind up just dancing like John Travolta, anyway, to "Happy Birthday."

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your lifelong goal of being a ballerina is realised this week when it turns out your dance of the week this week is that twirly hopping kind of thing ballerinas do on their toes all the time!
You are one of the more inelegant ballerinas history has ever born witness to, even moreso when you refuse to put down your burrito to do a pirouette.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Your dance this week is the marimba.
A lithe woman asks you to dance (regardless of your own gender, so no whinging that I'm (or she's) leaving out half the Libra population), you accept, and it turns out she's not a Libra at all, because she's not doing the marimba, and after she almost takes your kneecap off, you have to tell her it was nice but could she please go away now.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
There is something comforting in your lack of a horoscope this week.
Like something that screams, comfortingly, of normality and all that sort of stuff returning to a world formerly gone mad.
Your attempt to bake a cake, boil a pot of water for tea, or watch television all fail miserably, household appliances and electricity not seeming to want to cooperate with those people who don't have a horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are the lucky one that gets the polka! Polka polka polka! Spin your partner, dosie doh, I know that's not a polka, but still, woohoo!
The colour for this week remains a stately chick pea colour (remaining, of course, from last week, and the week before).

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your dance of the week is the lambada!
Which is a lot less exciting than it might sound, since you can't do anything, the dance being forbidden and all.
Wiggle a little bit this week. And Geisha Girls! Woo!

[Horoscopes. "We did not steal any ducks from Apple." Will Microsoft stop at nothing! Get OS X just to be safe, anyway...]