Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have a froopy week.
Cheese is your dairy product of the week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Persevere, and great things will befall you.
Do not persevere, and at least you'll have lots of time for television (unless you have chosen to persevere in watching television).

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The path to fortune is paved with high grade aluminum.
Tread carefully, lest ye hit a slippery spot and fall down, causing everyone but yourself much mirth.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is a week for much rejoicing and dancing, as this week was born unto the world a new kind of fabric softener!
Your week will reflect this.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Go down to your local post office with a stuffed bear, three handyman-like tools (screwdriver, hammer, and putty knife are recommended for best results), and a litre of orange juice.
For each item you're carrying (and please make sure the juice is in some sort of suitable container), present it to the person on duty behind the window and see how much it would take to post each item to San José, CA, USA. Repeat this with different configurations of mailings at different speed rates.
Do not try this on a Sunday, as there's a good chance the post office won't be open on a Sunday.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You'll find, probably reading this at work, that that itchy feeling in the back of your scalp is probably due to you having locked your keys in your house.
If you've read this at home it still won't prevent you from locking your keys in your house.
So much for the usefulness of astrology, hey?

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Be sure to take lots of iced tea and stay out of the sun this week.
A giant chihuahua will invade your nearest large city and wreak havoc (causing iced tea to be in short supply, for sure).

Aries March 21 - April 19
Tonight's rain and my general and possibly growing disdain for Aries' position on the page makes it incredibly difficult to keep an astrologically correct reading.
You look horrible in green socks.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Moss always grows on the north side of trees.
Libras more often than not grow on the left side of trees. Stage left, not camera left.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You spend the week attempting to construct a geodesic dome to block out all further influence the stars may or may not have on you.
To confirm your worst suspicions, toothpicks and mud paste don't make a terribly efficient star-power blocking dome.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Last week's strange dark and mistiness goes unexplained this week.
Your week will be frumpled like an old cow accidentally left in your trouser pocket and run through the washer/dryer.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week will resemble a chalet in Spain.
How you actually enact that one is a problem for you, and you alone. And you never were all that good at method acting.

[Horoscopes. New Powerbooks are cooooool.]