Taurus April 20 - May 20
A butterfly, flapping it's wings in China, will cause a tidal wave to hit San Diego, and your toast to get slightly singed. (And then soggy, if you live in San Diego.)

Leo July 23 - August 22
Sing a joyful song unto random passing strangers in the street this week.
It will bring light into their lives more successfully than your escapades with the portable halogen lamps last weekend.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Red is your colour this week.
If you hurry, you may be able to file for a patent for it to prevent Amazon from using it any longer.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Delivering pizzas is a job that holds the very heart and soul of our society together.
You will wear a tshirt with a clever slogan on it this week. Don't you wish it was a Sane Magazine tshirt?

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
"One day," you'll say to yourself this week, "I'll get the nerve to go right up to (David Hasselhoff)/(Claudia Schiffer) and (kiss them like a politician loves money)/(give them the smack upside the head that they deserve like a pigeon in a rain forest)."
Either way your similes will suck this week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
An interesting conversation with a gnome hiding under a lettuce leaf in your salad on Tuesday will prompt you to change your lifestyle, sell most of your belongings (barring your couch), and travel the world, spreading the word of the Happy Gnome God Named Bill. All of which, unfortunately, must be done completely nude.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The butterfly in China, done flapping it's wings, will pop round your house and bother your cat.
If you don't have a cat, you're wrong, look behind your sofa.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Simultaneously, a sparrow and a badger will decide to expand their territory, the combined area of which covers a good deal of your kitchen, and you're met with dogged (in a non-literal sense of the word) resistance when you attempt to boil water in the morning for coffe or tea, and you are asked for the toll when fetching something out of the fridge.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Libra would like to note that when animals do odd things, especially a group of animals at the same time, studies have shown earthquakes or other major natural disasters tend to happen.
Your goldfish take this news quite calmly.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You practise twiddling your thumbs this week.
Your left thumb is much more proficient at twiddling than your right... and you know what that says about a person...
The Board of Horoscopal and Referential Integrity will be round at some point to tell you to knock it off.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It is very dark where you are.
Dark and misty.
Dark and misty with a hint of lime.
It is not a good week to stand up rapidly, nor jump about a lot. I'm sure we'll explain next week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Wrinkles in the fabric of Time no one says anything about, but forget to iron your shirt and everyone has something to comment on...
It's "Attempt to Kick a Pigeon Week" this week!

[Horoscopes. Know your history.]