Taurus April 20 - May 20
The blame for last week's sea monkey fiasco, as it's come to be known, falls squarely upon your shoulders.
You also get the blame for leaving the milk out on the counter overnight, leaving a nice sludgy warm mass of stuff in a bottle. You get this blame angrily, as well, as the bottle falls squarely on the shoulders of a friend digging through your cupboards (avoiding the illicit and uncalled for use of the word/noun 'drawers') looking for a new bin liner.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Practise brand awareness by visiting your local shoppes this week and seeing how many different labels you can identify.
If it's less than 50 go out the following day and try again until you wind up having to visit one of those 80's nostalgia tshirt shoppes to get the required 50 labels.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Cardboard is possibly one of this century's greatest inventions.
Make sure your hair is done up properly on Thursday for a visit from the Queen.
Ah, right, the stars also predict that the Queen will be visiting you on Thursday.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Gargantuan Gerbils from Hungary (in the failed alliteration) seem to have inhabited your favourite word processing program this week.
And they are adamant you not write your story/memo depicting gerbils or hamsters in a demeaning or otherwise derogatory light.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have lost your socks this week.
Mercury, trying to be helpful, says that he knows where they are, but after looking about for a few moments after the bold proclamation, has to admit that he was just trying to be helpful and really has no idea whatsoever where your socks are, nor what it was, when he offered, you'd lost.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
The word proclamation always reminds you of Clay-mation, and those wonderful California Gallstones or whathaveyou that made such an impression on the culture back in the 80s or somewhere in there.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A boating trip will bring much joy and prosperity.
A skiing trip will bring sorrow, pestilence and destruction to the Western Hemisphere.
Plan your week accordingly.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Why is it I can never get through Aries' horoscope without resorting to wine, women, song, or hard drugs?
Possibly because, in the lesser known Spanish pantheon of gods, Aries was the god of petulance and being difficult. And wine, women, and song, and hard drugs.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You will find yourself explaining the physics behind water heaters this week to complete strangers.
This comes about when you find yourself held hostage by a madman who's captured the Eiffel Tower and is holding it for ransom and decides to hide all his hostages in the Eiffel Tower's water heater.
Maybe you're best off not visiting the Eiffel Tower this week.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope.
Oh wait, hadn't that been rectified?
Well, it turns out your waking up in the Amazon with four legged furry things sitting on your head, the lawyers, washing business, and recent Siege of the Horoscopal Board of Integrity and Spatial Awareness may all have been a dream.
You wake up on Tuesday with a strange empty feeling in the pit of your stomach and when you check in the mirror you notice that your horoscope, which you'd usually hang on your ear when you went to sleep, is gone!

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
What you thought was a two p coin will turn out to be a long lost copy of the Magna Charta!
You need to get your eyes checked.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will feel just like Fred Astaire this week.
In the middle of one of those kicks around the lamppost you'll bring serious harm to yourself or passersby and maybe a lamppost. Or is that Gene Kelly? Either way, people are going to get hurt for no good reason.

[Horoscopes. The Critic has been resurrected at Shockwave.com! Wahey!]