Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be inordinately interested in marine biology this week.
The interest will have been sparked by the prospect that, as the inspector who called round your house to check your security told you, you have sea monkeys living in your walls.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You find yourself inordinately disturbed by the wanton acceptance that the inspector going on about sea monkeys in the previous horoscope has anything to do with the Tauri's interest in marine biology.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You object to the repetition of the adverb 'inordinately' in the preceding two horoscopes, "showing," as you say, "a decided lack of imagination on the part of the horoscope writer."
You also express a unhealthy unwillingness to willingly suspend your disbelief that sea monkeys would be physiologically suited to live in someone, anyone's walls.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The adjectival and adverbial swirlage in the previous few horoscopes leave your mind all a'twitter, and yourself, your own true self, if you're of the camp that believe that person lies in the body, rather than the mind (which is busy twittering).
This is a good week to sit down.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The bulk of the words and concepts introduced in the preceding horoscope make you physically ill.
You would like to lodge a protest at the use of the non-word 'swirlage', but the queue's getting rather long. You also don't believe all that Cartesian dualism claptrap.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
The use of the word claptrap in the previous horoscope belies an outdated and wildly non-hip personality, which you take care to point out only because you were feeling argumentative.
You will be punched by a Capricorn this week. Hopefully not in the stomach.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will wish you had sea monkeys.
Granted, not in your walls, because that wouldn't be a tremendous amount of fun, unless your walls were translucent, or you lived inside an iMac, but just out and about.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You raise the objection that sea monkeys can't live in iMacs, either.
You realise what this implies about your previous apathy in the field of marine biology, as well, as you're oddly compelled to defend your argument (purely a negative one, with no proposed solution for the sea monkeys' housing problem) over the course of the week, sometimes vehemently. And once with a fork.
Libra September 23 - October 22
An Aries stabs you with a fork for no apparent reason this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Great Siege of the Horoscopal Board of Integrity and Chicken Skin (as it surely will be known in coming decades/centuries) pauses for a brief moment to observe the debates raging in the surrounding horoscopes akin to the famous Scopes v. Monkeys trial, wherein John Scopes, one of the foremost trial lawyers of his day was pitted against a team of fifteen monkeys, to see if he couldn't win the interspecies title and, once and for all, prove beyond a doubt man's domination of trial-based debating scenarios. He won, and was given an all expenses trip to the Bahamas, where he lost his wallet.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your raging curiousity as to the relevance of sea monkeys in one's walls to the security of one's home and the burning desire to see the question answered at some point in the course of this week is almost enough to distract you from your newly acquired habit of using 'one' as a pronoun quite disturbingly often.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You don't have sea monkeys in your walls (though you note that the horoscopes this week are almost positively infested with them, if there is such a thing as an infestation of sea monkeys), but you do seem to notice a knocking sound whenever you settle in for the night and turn the music down low.
On Thursday, when the rhinocerous pokes it's horn through your bedroom wall (thankfully not near either your head or the stereo), any curiousity you may have had regarding what was making the noise is sated.
[Horoscopes. Tastes like monkey! Or bugs. Either way.]
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