Taurus April 20 - May 20
You walk out on Enrique, the would-be matador/Jon Bon Jovi protegé/Enrico Fermi namesake (to a degree).
Things seem quite a bit more sane in the kitchen.
Your toaster picks this inopportune moment to get snippy with you...

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your pants are on fire, your pants are on fire!
Or that is an incredibly life-like shade of orange. (Life-like in that it resembles the real-life entity fire, not life-like as in they seem alive or anything...)

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You notice the previous two horoscopes have not quite ended but trailed off at the end, symbolising hope, continuity, and laziness on the part of the horoscope writer.
Which is the moment you hear a very loud honking, like the honking of a horn of a lorry carrying a bunch of clowns, with those noses you can honk, drawing nearer and nearer...

Gemini May 21 - June 20
I personally, would choose against doing battle with your arch-nemesis, Alec Baldwin, though you might want to draw up plans, get outside wherever he is (which is more likely than not quite a bit more posh than where you are at the moment), then give up on your plans to do battle with him at this time, and just enjoy your holiday.
(NB. If you are Alec Baldwin, this horoscope is redeemable for a Big Mac at participating McDonald's...)

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You may feel content in the knowledge that someday these days, too, will be known as once upon a time.
Whether or not the children are particularly enthralled with the story of the Person in the Supermarket is another story, altogether.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Isn't it remarkable how much egg nog and snog sound alike?
Feel free to point this out to people you meet over the holidays, you can attribute your source or not, we don't mind.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If this week were a Nancy Drew mystery (or, god help us, an Agatha Christie thing), you would probably call it The Week Without a Major Incident Besides A Lightbulb Non-Mysteriously Burning Out.

Aries March 21 - April 19
This, once again, is the spot in the horoscopes that just proves entirely one step too many, or, if you like, the straw the broke the camel's back (if you were comparing straw to horoscopes and the camel and it's back to the horoscope writer and the stars, a comparison which you might wish to make your koan for the week).

Libra September 23 - October 22
Your attempt to do something clever with mistletoe in the hopes that people will abode by the hard and fast rules set forth by pieces of vegetation will be wildly disappointing.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Justice for Small Vegetables, back from the beach, are wondering how it is, exactly, that Scoprios appear to have horoscopal like things happening to them for the past so many weeks.
They order an inquisition. And a few pints of lager to tide them over while the inquisition is cooking.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Chaos theory does not mean you can run around shouting, "I'm Liza Minelli, I'm Liza Minelli!"
So far as I know, no one has a theory for that sort of thing just yet.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you're the kind of person who likes children, likes jam, likes football, and likes television, but doesn't like being smeared with honey and tied up naked on an anthill, we don't recommend you respond to any personal adverts this week.

[Horoscopes. When games are not games. Or forget papers and go find something to do. You pick.]