Taurus April 20 - May 20
So, upon arriving in Spain (España, he says) Enrique sets out about becoming a matador. Not knowing Spanish really at all, despite living in New York and having taken the subway before, he was left to ask after lessons in becoming a proper matador in pidgin English, which sounded remarkably similar to his normal English.
After being offered a duck, beaten with a truncheon, and, so he thought, spotted by the Inquisition, he finally struck upon the man who would become his mentor in his rise to full matador-ship.
He leans closer in to you, as if to speak a secret you should tell no one, "My mentor was," he glances furtively around, his gaze coming to rest with a suscpicious glare on your couch cushion, "Enrico Fermi!"
And with that, he pounces on your hapless couch cushion, pulling out a previously unseen sword which he must have kept from his matador days, and skewering your cushion.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Eclectic Banjo Tomatoes is rather quiet this week, your escapades with Leo last week possibly the reason why.
You need a shower. Or a bath. Something involving water, soap, yourself, and some sort of cleaning-like motions and/or actions.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Electric Bandit Wizard now comes in cherry flavour.
Your week will have a strong bouquet, tasting of fruit and will go well with chicken kiev or Burger King.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Fermentation is a good thing.
However, this is not an excuse not to do laundry, in the hope that wine will spontaneously appear in there somewhere...

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Waltzing Coconut does a jig.
Experimenting with mixing cuisine's (notably Tex-Mex and Thai) is not a good idea, and you will not be able to support an internet business on that idea any longer. Sorry.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
I'm a mountain.
You're a chicken.
And we all do the watusi.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Rain in Spain falls mainly in London, by some strange meteorlogical happenstance. I would personally blame George III for a little known bet with the then king of Spain Regis Filbin oh so many years ago.
This will happily not influence your week all that much.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Warble. It will attract suitable mates.
For a thrush. For the non-thrush (thrush, not lush) Aries population, it never hurts to try.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Retro takes on a whole new meaning when your dictionary, with the bulk of the definition of retro on the next page, loses a good deal of pages from the page following 'retro' down through 'whimper'.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will spend the bulk of your week not touching that dial.
When you do attempt to, much later in the week, the devious spy the television execs placed in your home, will zap you with their Tazer(tm), and ask you not to do that again.
We will leave you with the suspense of which kitchen appliance is the infiltrator.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Due to Capricorn in your second house of the Rising Sun you will have to convince numerous people this week that physics does not, necessarily, dictate that all matter, once in motion, will find itself or it's children needing to stop for the toilet.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Whilst many people are comfortable with the belief that both god and the devil may, indeed, be in the details, your suggestion that Kevin Kline, Ralph Lauren, Aretha Franklin, and Mel Brooks are also in the details, and that they have a hot tub there, is met with cautious skepticism.

[Horoscopes. Another How-to guide.]