Taurus April 20 - May 20
Enrique was once a young boy, and, as young boys named Enrique tend to do, he dreamed of being a matador. Being from the Bronx, and asking around quite a bit, he soon found that his best chance of becoming a matador, properly, was to move to Spain, as the running of the Bulls in the Bronx is postponed most years for lack of bulls and interest.
So he bought a funny hat, a one way ticket to Spain, and headed off, kissing his dear sweet mother and three sisters good bye. (At this point he spills a bit of the water you've given him on your rug, for which you give him a dirty look, which he hastily pretends he hasn't seen by gazing over, in what he assumes in a longing-type way, at your ficus plant.)
The fast boat to Spain, the fast boat to Spain, he cries!
It turned out the boat he boarded was intended for Panama, Malaysia, Sydney, Capetown, the Canary Islands, and then Spain, so it wasn't nearly as fast as he'd expected.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Still somewhat oddly jealous of Eclectic Banjo Tomatoes talking with another sign behind your back (but not out of your eyesight, it would turn out), you decide the best course of action is to play it real cool and attempt to be seen snogging Leo when Eclectic Banjo Tomatoes passes by.
Leo, a bit surprised, espcially at you sticking your tongue inadvertently in their eye, sends you flowers this week, though suspects it may just be a ruse to get to EBT.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Electric Bandit Wizard drops the hint that they might consider making your week XML-enabled if you were to side with them, over Virgo.
Virgo, it notes, never even promised you any ecommerce or wireless capabilities. Or if they did they delivered just about as well as a major consulting company would (which is to say, not at all).

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You should never attempt to outrun your history.
Part of the reasoning behind this is probably it's unfair use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Waltzing Coconut chucks you on the shoulder this week, unfortunately lodging a small asteroid in your ear.
This will take a good portion of the week to get out, which is surprising, considering the relative size of an asteroid to your ear.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A tiny hole in the ozone will let through one of the space marbles the ancient Greek gods now use to pass the time.
It will land in your soup, prompting you to wish you'd been eating at a restaurant, though you don't doubt the waiter would be wholly unimpressed by your ingenuity.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A tumultuous week in Pisces means you're best off with a book and a bunker somewhere.
If you have a toaster and video player in the bunker, you have to seriously consider the merits of you bunker v. the rest of the world...

Aries March 21 - April 19
Put your right foot in. Put your right foot out.
Put your right foot in and shake it all about.
Now you're doing the hokey pokey. This was, in olden times, a great and wondrous accomplishment...

Libra September 23 - October 22
While "whistle while you work" may seem like a good personal slogan, you might want to think of something slightly less grating, like, "sit quietly and just do your damn job," or "buy all your co-workers pints at lunch" might better suited to you.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Friends will tell you that "money is the root of all evil" and that "Elvis works at the Burger King down the road" but will any of them have any truly helpful advice on removing ketchup and peanut butter from curtains? No, not likely.
You need to get new friends that know the essential things in Life.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You wake, it's cold. It's dark. It's wet, because you're sweating bullets.
Never again go to sleep on a meal of just boiled rutabaga and gummy bears, you'd guess would be the lesson from that little dream.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will have a week.
It will likely involve lots of stuff, like walking about, turning on and off appliances, and chewing gum, which you may want to consider doing.
The gum chewing will help your ears adjust to the new air pressure when your flat inexplicably takes off into the sky, bound for Brasil.

[Horoscopes. More text this week, but this time textual like a blues song, textual like a proper story... James Sallis.]