Taurus April 20 - May 20
A small man will perch on your doorframe this week, inspiring you to write an alternate version of "The Raven" involving a little man, instead of a talking bird, who says "enchilada" over and over again.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Eclectic Banjo Tomatoes is telling you to have a nice week.
And a lollipop.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Electric Bandit Wizard predicts you'll have great fortune fishing this week.
You're slightly suspicious it just wanted to wear those hipwader trousers.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Watery things will wibble across your week.
They will leave a trail.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Waltzing Coconut teaches you how to play the accordion.
This may be a useful skill in the future.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Time is ineffable.
Peanut butter and jam, on the other hand, are infinitely more knowable.
With which would you rather hang out?

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be visited by three ghosts.
The first will be wearing a gold macramé cumberbun and tap shoes.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Fuzzy.
That's all we could get out of your sign for this week, it wasn't terribly forthcoming.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Come sundown, the formerly sleepy town of Bakersfield will probably become sleepy. Or remain sleepy, if you're going to play semantic games.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Please fasten your seatbelt while seated.
Also, do not touch the walnuts.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There is a stapler frighteningly close to your face upon awakening.
This not being the most desireable item to have in close proximity to one's face upon waking.
It is less so if it begins talking to you, which this one does.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Rabid monkeys from Mars eat your favourite plant this week.
Not 'rapid' monkeys, as they're still eating when you get back home.
Which is good for digestion, but rather scares the living daylights out of yourself, to arrive home to rabid monkeys from Mars chewing slowly on your favourite plant.

[Horoscopes. Avocado! NB. If you're on a Mac, prepare to be slagged slightly, otherwise, party on. Just write the editor a snide note when OS X comes out...]