Taurus April 20 - May 20
Palm fronds prove to be fickle friends, indeed, when they stop talking to you altogether this week.
Not even offering to water them helps a great deal, I'm afraid.

Leo July 23 - August 22
A ladder, a fish, and an old recording of "Danny Boy", as sung by Liberace, will play large roles in your week.
And the small dog, who occasionally frequents these horoscopes, will be firmly attached to your ankle.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A whole set of stars that just got together for the first time this week, and are calling themselves "Electric Bandit Wizard" suggest you wear lots and lots of hats this week. Not all at once, though.
Since they're in your sign, you have no choice but to obey.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Mars is offering stock tips this week, and Venus has moved into venture capitalism. A bit late, both of them, but understandable, considering the amount of time it takes light to reach them from here.
So neither of them in your sign this week are tremendously helpful.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be incredibly undeniably lonely this week.
More lonely than a chicken, locked in a cardboard box by itself in the middle of a desert with nothing but a leaf of cabbage and GPS device.
And you won't even be able to wonder how it is you managed to get stuck in a box out in the middle of the desert to take your mind off things.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
After three consecutive nights of coming home and leaping in fright at the sight of what appears to be a huge spider on your living room floor, you'll finally get around to vacuuming. Or at least picking up the rather impressive piece of lint which is the apparent spider in question sitting on your living room floor.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You've nothing to lose this week.
Which either means you've already lost all of it, or you never had any of it to begin with.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will sit in your flat, eagerly anticipating the Sane Magazine World Tour, coming to a city near you (if New York City, Seattle, and Los Angeles... or London, or Dublin, happen to be near you) very very, oh so soon.
Though he's not really officially affiliated in any way shape or form with Sane Magazine, you'll lovingly fondle your David Cassidy poster, anxiously awaiting the day it's signed by the Head Editor of Sane Magazine.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Due to inflation, a stitch in time now only saves three.
Not that this helps you understand what it is, exactly, you're saving, and still the mystery remains.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You get to remain on the couch, after last week's rather hectic appearance thereupon.
You'll note that someone has apparently spilled soda on the cushions, as they seem a mite sticky...

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Every time you attempt to make conversation or ask questions of the hamster it just turns the radio up louder and louder, until you keep your mouth shut for fear of bursting you eardrums to Britney Spears.
For some reason, at a stop light, the hamster turns the radio off, turns to you and says, "I hate that new Ronan Keating song."
You're not sure whether to take that as a signal that he's on your side, or whether or not he's telling you the hit you're about to attempt to perform is an ambush.
All this sprints through your head as you pull up outside the abandoned tinsel factory that Rico the GummyBear is known to frequent.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There is a chance of heavy duty plastic in your week this week.
An old codger on the road to Canterbury will stop you and ask you for the meaning of Life.
Tell him it involves dancing and coconuts.

[Horoscopes. Have you been to Xanadu yet?]