Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will attempt to write the long-awaited sequel to Confessions of an English Opium-Eater.
Being neither English nor an opium-eater, your book tends to mention elves and flowers a lot more than Thomas De Quincey's original.

Leo July 23 - August 22
As per last week, you will not be taking part in a bottle in deep space but a battle.
If this seriously changes your motivation for joining in, we understand.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Mars in your First House of Large Financial Plans means you should most definitely become a millionaire and retire.
Unfortunately, it's not terribly helpful when it comes to actually acquiring all the money, and the best it can do is point you to websites that detail exactly how you'd go about breaking into a bank.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Those people who learn from their mistakes, and then urge other people to give it a go, are really incredibly annoying, and have no sense of imagination.
Although you might want to actually learn the trick about putting the cap on before shaking the orange juice up...

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have misplaced your keys this week.
The search takes you across the world (barring anywhere outside your flat, as you haven't your keys, and won't be able to get back in). You have a strong belief that your keys are to be found on Channel 4.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
An attempt with be made this week to split atoms to create a new element this week.
Where you'll be bothered by this is that they're using molecules that form an important, to you, part of your knee.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Ginger spills salt on your table, whilst waiting for the four horsemen to return (the third of which she deems 'cute' and about whom she gets rather uncomfortably explicit), which is the long-awaited for impetus for you to forcibly eject her from your home.
The red-hot poker may have been a bit extreme, but, in truth, she does have a large nose.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You get sand in your shorts this week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A strange disturbance in the Force makes you unable to bear any of Elton John's records.
This may not be a strange disturbance, this is just what you tell a friend to explain your rather animated (and destructive) reaction to her putting on an Elton John greatest hits album.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The koala bear blinks back.
This is comforting, things seem to be going well for you.
The idle thought that the former furry member of the tribe of Philadelphia, former grape, might make a decent wine passes through your head. If there were a whole lot more of them lying (squished) about.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
In the car, the hamster remains silent, which leaves you to study the note calling you to finally "rub out Rico the GummyBear."
The handwriting isn't fantastic, though it's more legible than your own, and there seems to be a hamburger grease stain on the paper.
The hamster switches on a Top 40 station.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You find yourself sitting on a nice, soft, comfy sofa. The alternate universe seems to have gone, as have the massage-inclined Jack Russell's (sadly).
You do notice someone licking your shoulder, which isn't an unpleasant sensation, just interesting, as you'd been on an island in the general vicinity of Hawai'i with a load of hyper-intelligent dogs the last time you thought about it.

[Horoscopes. The Frank and Walters! Back! Yes! Be sure to pop round their site]