Taurus April 20 - May 20
What wonderful forces shall control your week this week!
A stick of chewing gum and a roll of 35mm film. The film has two exposrues left, if that helps you plan any.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Pollution makes it very difficult to make out your future this week, but we're guessing it might involve a visit from Claudia Schiffer.
This is largely a guess, though.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The hum of the open road calls to you this week.
Which means you might like to invest in more medication, as the open road is more than likely not calling your name, but is just whinging about how hungry it is again.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your eyebrows will fall off this week on Wednesday, for no apparent reason other than Saturn deems it so.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A jade elephant will have some great significance for your week this week.
You're probably hoping that it's because a tall, dark, and handsome stranger will be carrying one, but you're probably going to be disappointed, if you're relying on that one.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You do realise, I hope, I'm almost 100% positive that the word 'lope' has never been used in the horoscopes until this day. Not terribly exciting, but an interesting sociological commentary, surely, about our society and how we view loping these days (which appears to be not all that often, at any rate).

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The Four Horsemen (the fabled ones of the Apocalypse), will pause for a quick break at your house to get a drink of water, because hey, Armageddon is tough work.
Giving them a drink is probably the sensible thing to do, as it's not like denying them is going to prevent the end of the world, and at least this way they won't be pissed off and ruin your carpets.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will spend the week alone, in a little shanty by the seaside. For those of you who thought a shanty was a sort of alcoholic beverage, you will have a rather more enjoyable week than those in a little shack getting rained on through the hole in the roof.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Bridgework will make your week impassable, and you are advised to take the M25 instead.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Plunging (as that was the verb used last week) after the furry four-legged creature, you imagine you're in some movie in which they sprinted through the jungle and had very harrowing camera-work, with leaves and branches and most notably, nettles, scraping past the camera as it speed towards (or away from) something.
As it happens, you break through yet another thick set of brush into yet another clearing, and the feeling in the pit of your stomach that you should have followed the creature due in part to the baleful look in the creature's eyes is confirmed, otherwise it would have lost you miles ago.
You're rather shocked, then, when the creature turns to you yet again, again with shock in it's eyes at seeing you again, still following it, and it tells you to piss off and stop following it.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A hamster, looking none too enthused, will deliver you a message from the Petrocelli's clan this week.
Dismayed at the turn your Life has taken (apparently somewhere in the vicinity of a Mob family), you slump down onto your sofa.
The hamster waits around by the door, perhaps waiting for a tip.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Defending yourself with just a pair of trousers is a singularly difficult thing to do.
A slight hiccup in the Zodiac this week will mean you get slipped into a parallel Universe this week, in which nothing is different, except turnips are made from strawberry shortcake.
And you own a small, comfortably warm, island off the coast of Libya (which, interestingly, happens to be in the same geographic region that Hawai'i occupies in this Universe, and all of the natives wear flowers around their necks and happen to surf a lot).
And you seem to have a crew of decidedly helpful and hyperintelligent Jack Russells that serve you plenty of the local drink. Upon enquiry, the leader, as you've sussed, tells you they've been on the island since a cargo ship carrying a shipment of hyperintelligent Jack Russells to Japan 'shipwrecked' on this island. The shipwreck is slightly suspicious, as the island is bordered, in the evenings, by not overly ostentatious red neon signs.

[Horoscopes. The War Outside Ireland. Or you can order a copy from Eastgate.]