Taurus April 20 - May 20
There is a great and glorious future for you in those plastic hair rollers.
And grape juice. A combo of the two will see you off well.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Plastic wrap is due to give you undue troubles in the kitchen this week.
We suggest simply going out to eat, maybe hazarding the kitchen next week or so.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will find out, to your great surprise, that your umbrella is a carnivourous umbrella!
This after you find the stand in which you'd left it (with a walking stick, two other umbrellas (one of which has been left there after some party five years ago) in disarray, the carnivourous umbrella in question grinning disturbingly.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Plastic figurines play a small role in your week. One of the Eiffel Tower will be especially tiny.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Is Kevlartm a proper plastic?
At any rate, you'd benefit from wearing a Kevlartm suit this week, when Jimmy the Fish comes to visit.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Do not put this horoscope in your mouth.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A friendly neighbourhood terror-bomber will ask you to hold a good measure of plastics for him this week.
Unfortunately, you tell him, you've no space, but perhaps you could lend him a Tupperwaretm container?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Due to the alarming appearance of trademark signs all over the horoscopes this week, you wonder if Sane Magazine hasn't sold out it's horoscope franchise.
You have a bit of lettuce on your lip.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Save all of your youghurt canisters this week.
If you don't eat youghurt, you have a very easy, non-busy week this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
We had a cryptic note about your horoscope this week and being stuck in the belly of the moss creature in the middle of the rain forest, but we seem to have misplaced it. We'll just assume it meant you were to have a dark week in the belly of the moss creature, again.
Luckily, it swallows one of the four-legged furry things halfway through the week so it still has something to sit on (namely, your head) again.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will get the song "Just a Gigolo" stuck in your head this week, probably as a result of this horoscope.
We like being influential.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Do not use this horoscope with small children, and do not place over head, as it will incude suffocation.
Your week will be happily free of larger than normal, man-eating termites.
[Horoscopes. We're getting memos now?]
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