Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have a viscous week.
Which means you can set it on a table and it won't run off all over the place.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be made a viscount this week.
Which is a pleasant surprise. Unless, of course, you'd been a viscount or higher previously. In which case, not so good a surprise.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You do realise that milk gets jealous of other milk. If you put a fresh bottle in the refridgerator next to an almost finished one, the almost finished one will sulk and go sour on you.
This is my free advice from me and the stars to you this week.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Sentient, unfolded laundry is going to get you in big trouble this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you happen to lay your hands on an electric toothbrush this week, please remember that even the most harmless jokes can turn ugly when you're careless.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Tuna fish in a can is Nature's perfect food.
You will need intensive care this week.
This could mean anything from hospitalisation to a really thorough massage to someone preparing your sandwich with the crusts cut off.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you were to have adventures, I would almost certainly call them Piscean adventures, which sounds vaguely like Nicean, which really shouldn't interest a whole lot of people, come to think of it.
Wiggle the week away.

Aries March 21 - April 19
'Cuz you got it like that.
Earwigs have always frightened you, if only in name. This week will explain your fears in graphic detail.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Loopholes in the space-time continuum cause the amount you had to pay on your 1980 taxes to suddenly be wildly inaccurate in your favour and there's this real estate deal that you could get in on, only it takes place in 2123, which might be being a bit optimistic.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Inside the belly of the giant moss creature. It's dark. There does seem to be quite a bit of dirt (moist dirt, which is almost mud, some might say, were they being picky).
The one large advantage of the darkness is that you can't see any trees any more, something you tend to see a lot of in a rain forest.
Or in a rain forest outside of moss creature's stomachs. Of course.
The moss creature has a very loud stomach.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Plastics are coming next week.
So prepare, lest ye be... ehm... unprepared.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are one of the most beautiful women in the world when you smile.
Erm... that one's for the ladies, guys, you look nice when you remember to comb your hair.

[Horoscopes. Hey, we've done that.]