Taurus April 20 - May 20
Where have you been! Mercury's been worried sick, ever since it attempted to wander through your First House of Fortune and didn't find you anywhere! Next time at least call if you're going to be late.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Dual happy birthday to a few Leos out there!
Kittens from Mars (escaping from Mars because they're an especially popular delicacy there) deem your place a suitable place to sing very loudly, to show you how happy they are that you don't consider them a popular delicacy.
By the end of the week you may wish for a few recipes...
[NB. That isn't dualing Leos, but dual. Two of them.]

Virgo August 23 - September 22
If your week were a pot of boiling water, olive oil would figure prominently in it. And it would be incredible to get through the week without looking at it and spoiling everything.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You're suspended on a very high (and you know this because it's...), very transparent platform this week. Somewhere up in the clouds. Frighteningly close to the stars, I might add (though not too terribly close, it's just a figure of speech, relatively speaking, you're not a whole lot closer to them than you were when you were on the ground). So they'll have a pretty enormous effect on you this week, if only to give you something to look at instead of the ground far, far, far below.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Call an old friend this weekend. If it's a dog, don't expect to teach it new tricks.
[This week's horoscope for Capricorn apparently written by the horoscope writer's 2-year old niece.]

Cancer June 21 - July 22
In case of emergency, fondle gently.
Your week is toast.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
USP stands for Unique Selling Point (or something incredibly close to that), I've learned.
This doesn't really effect your week all that much, I'm afraid, and I completely forgot to look at the stars this week, so it seems you'll have to make due.

Aries March 21 - April 19
The horoscope writer is based in London, so you can't really expect to get a true reading of the stars every week. What with the pigeons and clouds and Chelsea Football Club supporters flying through the air.
Eggs are on the menu this week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
The three little pigs from last week have taught you quite a few good card games, and you're sort of sad to see them go.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The great big nice soft mossy bit you'd chosen to sit down on last week and rest yourself without being hassled by four-legged jungle creatures and nettles begins moving slightly on Monday morning up until late Monday morning, when an entire edge of the mossy bit rises up and swallows you whole, ruining the peaceful state you'd achieved.
It is very very dark inside the belly of the moss creature, as you dub it on Tuesday. And there's a good deal of dirt.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Panic is not, I'll have you know, one of the five elements.
Nor is Jam, though Jam would have my vote, should they decide to add a sixth.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You come home on Tuesday to notice that your spider plant has gone missing!
If you haven't a spider plant (or hadn't had one before it went missing) this probably won't upset you terribly.
I really like those socks you're wearing this week. Really.

[Horoscopes. Spurs kick off this week! Waheeeeeey!]