Taurus April 20 - May 20
A small stitch in your favourite pair of trousers will save your Life this week. Or at least your dignity.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If ever there were a time in your Life you'd wished yourself a large bowl of mayonnaise, I do think you're going to be disappointed, yet again, this week.
You will have tremendous luck with catching flies with honey this week, though.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A teasing comb is not to be used as an implement on your sibling(s), nor should you use it wantonly.
Yours is a week of peril and sponges.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
As this is a family show, I'm going to try and ignore what my neighbours across the road appear to be doing on their roof. Erm.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will have a kick arse week*; your hair will look smashing, your outfits will look smashing, your cooking will be edible, a thirteen billion pounds will find itself deposited in your Swiss bank account. Your weekend will be nice, though not as nice.
*Pardon the language.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are destined to find a flat this week.
If you aren't looking, or think you aren't looking, I'd like to remind you of the time when you moved to New York City in 1992 and couldn't seem to find a place for anything, and wound up sleeping on someone's couch for four years. This is the flat you were looking for then.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A turtle is a handy thing to have in case of a dangerous at-sea fight. Then you can either sail away on it (though apparently they object to that), or you can wield it menacingly.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Do take care not to stand on the top of any tall buildings this week, as with Mercury in your second house of Love it makes for a prime situation in which you might find yourself losing your balance quite often. Take care to stick to low places (Holland) and around as few people as possible, unless you don't mind people watching you repeatedly fall to the ground in a heap.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A steep hill, a bucket of water, and three little pigs make their way into your week, if only to sit there, attempting to look inconspicuous.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You've given up.
This is a crap horoscope, you conclude.
You've been stuck in the jungle for three to four weeks, attacked by furry four-legged things that like to sit, person-eating fish, nettles (though some would argue you brought that upon yourself), with not a sign of beer bottles anywhere, no stunning Amazons nor any other native attractive half-naked jungle people, for that matter, and you briefly consider that Life may have been nicer when you didn't have a horoscope, and it gave you an excellent opportunity to send sarky emails to the Sane Magazine Horoscope Writer tm.
However, your mind is changed when you find a nice soft patch of moss to sit down upon, rest awhile, and, after a few days of peace, relax without fear of being sat upon, eaten, nibbled, poked, scratched, or tickled.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your week will feel like an eternity. Which is to say fuzzy and very very cranky.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Doesn't that cloud look remarkably like a sunfish?
And you know what they say about people who think they see sunfish in the clouds, of course.
Remember to wear your clean shirt this week.
[Horoscopes. Supa-baaaaaaaaad. (In case you needed reminding, or introducing.)]
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